there.
i said it.
it's for real now.
let me say something else that will MAKE YOU CRY.
it's full time.
like 8 to 3 pm. monday through friday.
ALL YEAR LONG.
with no summer break.
take a little time to compose yourself.
yes, people. he's 3. he is 3 years and 2 months.
my baby is about to leave me for basically college and i can't do anything about it.
i tried it all.
i prayed that there wouldn't be room.
all of a sudden, out of nowhere, there was a magical #13 spot. as in for years there had only been 12 kids in this class. and then bam. out of nowhere (kidding...i know where), they opened up a 13th spot. and max got it. lucky number 13. born on the 13th.
i prayed everyone would tell me that was too much. that i should hold him home. just take him to speech therapy. NOT THE ALL DAY PRESCHOOL STUFF.
nope. everyone (including his therapist who i trust with everything) said send him. he will flourish. that's what they said. i'm holding them to it. those meanies. i don't think they realize mom is about to lose her mind, y'all.
so it's done. he's on the list. his teacher knew who clint and i were.
oh! you're max's parents!!! yes! he's been down here all ready. for circle time. he's made friends. he will be great.
me: i need you to understand that his apraxia is severe. (this is hilarious because she already knows this. he's been in therapy here for 9 months. and she has read the report. she has seen him. heard him. she knows. but none the less, i'm crazy). like he refuses to try sometimes. i don't know if you understand how much he doesn't say.
her: yes. i know. he will do so well in here. he will hear all the hyper-verbal kids. but he won't be alone because there are lots of other kids with apraxia in here. i want you to video him now. because a year from now, you won't believe the progress he has made.
that's when i grabbed her arm. and looked at her. and tears sprung to my eyes.
she's a mom too. and so i know she knew what i meant with that touch.
she knew i wanted her to know that i love her. without ever really knowing her. i wanted to thank her for loving him already. for being patient with him. for pushing him when it's necessary. for teaching him right from wrong. for teaching him to write his name. his colors. his alphabet. his shapes.
i wanted to hug her for being a teacher. for making a difference in his life...and the life of so many others. i wanted to thank her for somehow making her life work on a measly salary that should be 10 times what i'm sure she is paid.
i wanted to tell her i would pray for her every single day. that i would thank God for her heart. and her love. and her understanding.
but i didn't. instead, i just squeezed her arm. and smiled. and she smiled right back.
because i think she got it.
i know she got it.
so on august 18th, at 8 am, max will start preschool.
and on august 18th at 8 am, pratt will start kindergarten.
did you get that?
they BOTH START ON THE SAME DAY AT THE SAME TIME IN TOTALLY DIFFERENT TOWNS.
this means that i can't physically be with both boys on their first day.
i don't even know you guys. i just don't even know.
but it's a total first world problem. and i do know that. and so i'll get over it. hopefully it won't be the main reason they have to go to therapy in the future.
for the past two weeks, every night when i go to sleep, i replay this scene over and over in my mind.
it's me and clint. in our driveway. i'm pregnant. maybe 10 weeks pregnant. with pratt.
and we are discussing what we will do when i have the baby. will i work? will i continue going to school for my phd? what will my plans be?
i was terrified to tell him that i wanted to stay home. i was so scared he would tell me we couldn't afford it.
but he didn't. i can't remember exactly what was said. but i told him i wanted to stay home. and be with them every step of the way. that i would work when they started school. but until then, i would be home with them.
he agreed. but the more i thought about it, the more i worried. was that the right decision? should i work? should i continue school? did i really want my identity to be sort of....lost? and tied into something else? someone else?
so i reached out to someone. kathy howard. she is the mother of a good friend of mine. she was the first person to tell me that babies don't keep. and that time goes by so fast. and that there will always be a job. but that children will grow up. and you'll regret not staying home IF YOU HAVE THAT OPTION. because listen, i know not everyone does. i also know that not everyone wants to.
and i don't know if kathy realized it, but she quoted anna quindlen,
when in doubt, choose the kids. there will be plenty of time later to choose work.
but me, i wasn't sure what i wanted to do.
and no one would help me. i wanted clint to just decide for me. but he knew better.
so i asked him if i could stay home. if that would work. financially. and he said it would. that we might have to cut back and go without certain "luxuries", but that we could do it.
and he was right.
i have everything i've ever wanted. i've never felt like i had to go without anything. in fact, i'm spoiled. i have too much. but don't we all. if you're reading this, you probably have too much too.
and so as i look back over the course of the last 6 years, i realize that i made the right choice. the best choice. i realize that for once in my life, i actually made a good decision. and i did it on my own. i had help. but in the end, i was the one who stood up and said what i meant. and meant what i said.
and i haven't ever quit.
i have been on duty every single day for almost 6 years. 6 years in september. i have been the mom. the only mom these boys have ever known.
i've never put them off on anyone else. i've never run away. i've never quit.
i'm proud of myself for that. because there were times when i might have wanted to. times when i was depressed. times when the colic was almost too much. that time when pratt hurled a foam block at my head in the library in front of god and everyone.
but i chose the kids. and i don't have a single regret.
thank you clint for working your butt off for us. thank you for making it possible for me to stay home and still have everything i could ever possibly want.
i may be the person the kids run to when they are hurt, but you are the glue that holds this all together. you are the rock. and the leader.
but mostly, mostly you are the love of my life.
thank you for what you are.
and who you are.
i'll say it again, i don't know how i got you. but i'm so thankful i did.
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