i'm always looking for a new book to read. or a new book to start. because if i'm honest, i only finish about half of the books i start.
why? mostly because i get bored. or i start reading something else. or because they just don't keep my attention like i think they should.
when i was a kid, my favorite books were r.l. stine books.
fear street. man, i loved them. i would read them in a matter of hours. get to the end, only to figure out what happened. the man wrote so many of them he basically ran out of surprise endings. i think that's when the habit started. once i figure it out, i'm done. no sense in reading.
i saw my friend rebekah was reading something the other day. she's a mom of 3 and because of that, i assume if she's reading something, it's good. she's also this unique person who i really believe is better than most people i know. i know a lot of people. but she's different. she is kind. and loving. and patient. and i've never heard her be critical of anyone. and she never tries to "keep up" with anyone else. she's just real. and so all of that mixed up in one, sparked my interest in her reading choice.
it was a book called "anything" by jennie allen. i got in the mail yesterday. and started reading it this morning.
let me back up.
ever since whitney houston's funeral, i've been struggling with something. kevin costner said something that i haven't forgotten. he told the story about how whitney never really thought she was good enough. good enough to sing. good enough as a person. etc. that she always doubted herself and her talents and her abilities. and so he said,
Off you go Whitney, off you go. Escorted by an army of angels to your heavenly father. When you sing before him, don’t you worry. You’ll be good enough.
i teared up hearing it. because much like whitney, i've never really thought i was good enough either. if i try hard, i can place the feeling maybe in middle school. probably not before that. it got worse as i got older. becoming nearly nonexistent in high school. and even into college. i think for a short period of time i had no opinion at all of myself. i was numb. empty. as i sit here and recount this, i worry about my boys. i pray that they never, ever feel the way i have felt.
there was always a strong desire to matter. to do good. to be good. there was always this feeling of knowing that i needed something i didn't possess. but i never could really put my finger on it.
and so when i heard what he said, i found a sense of relief. like, "well, if whitney houston didn't think she was good enough to sing, then my feelings are normal. and justified. and that makes me normal. and so i can stop worrying. and i can trust kevin costner (find the humor, here?) because surely he's talking about me too. i'm good enough. God thinks i'm good enough.
and then the next day i went to sunday school. where randy actually brought up this EXACT dialogue. and tears came to my eyes and i once again thought,
see! it's being mentioned here! in sunday school. i was right. kevin was right! i'm good enough. God thinks i'm good enough.
about the time that last thought was creeping into my mind, randy said,
actually, she's not good enough. none of us are.
we are selfish and impatient. we are ungrateful and deceitful.
more than anything else, we need Him.
we are nothing without Him.
chapter two of this new book is called, "least good". she says,
a person can learn the right behavior for any character quality. though some of my behavior came from a pretty sincere place, the truth has always been that without God's intervention, i am selfish and prideful at every minute of every day.
i care what others think because deep down i want to be seen as great --
i want to matter.
i find it impossible to forgive; to truly be able to forgive people who hurt us most be one of God's greatest miracles. and i belittle the God of the universe by worrying as if he is not really in control. inside, my soul seems to slant toward every quality i would never want to possess.
i live assuming i am not alone in these weaknesses.
mostly because i know a lot of people.
that's me. she just described me. i'm that person right there. i know how to act in certain social situations. i know how to be presentable. how to "act" nice. i know how to smile at someone and "play" kind.
but just like she says, i'm selfish and prideful at every minute of every day.
i wish i could leave a post it note out for God to leave me notes at night. i wish i woke up to answers penned by Him. left on pieces of paper around my house. love notes of sort. but i don't. i don't think that will ever happen.
and so all i know to do is to move closer to Him. have a better friendship, relationship with Him.
i'm tired of being prideful.
i'm tired of caring about crap that doesn't matter.
i'm tired of being tired.
so my prayer this morning is that i start listening. and following. and when God speaks to me, i hear Him.
