question of the day.

"why are there only 3 spots here, when there are 4 yellow coins, momma?"




I wish you could have heard my explanation. I tried the whole, "you will always have one less space than coin...4 minus 1 is 3." etc, etc.

And quickly I realized I was attempting big math with a little kid. So we switched to our animal encyclopedia.

That was much easier.

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my first baby.

"love" seems so simple. and no where near enough to express the way I feel about this little boy.

he is wise beyond his years.




so incredibly thankful he is mine.

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ten whole months.

happy ten months to my sweet little baby boy.

He loves his big brother and his daddy. He actually cried when daddy left Thursday morning. Like, real tears cried.

He thinks Pratt is hilarious. He laughs at everything he does. Pratt is so sweet to him.

He still doesn't have any teeth. But that doesn't stop him from eating. He really prefers finger foods. Like bites of chicken, veggies, turkey, soft cheese, etc. anything he can gum.

He is alllllmost able to crawl. He can scoot backwards. Just not forwards. He is still happiest in someone's lap.

He weighs 25 pounds and is in a size 5 diaper. He only takes 3 to 4 bottles a day. It will be super easy to switch him to milk. I'll probably start it next month.










It's hard to remember life before him. It seems like he's always been with us.

I love how different he is. I love how different his personality already is. I love his blue eyes. And I love that he's so flippin' happy. Praise the Lord for that.



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simple.

he reminds me that life really is so very simple.










such a happy little baby.

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flowchart.

i've said it a million times.  and i'll say it once more.

pratt doesn't forget.  ANYTHING.

his memory is impressive.  but it's more than memory.  it's a pure understanding of something.  and when you fully understand something, you don't forget.  because it has become learned.  and understood.  and it has become a part of the way he looks at all things from that point forward.

after staying with my parents last week, pop pop told him something that he hasn't forgotten.

keep asking questions until you understand.  


i didn't hear the conversation, but i bet he said something like, "keep asking them, pratt.  don't stop until you fully understand.  you can never ask too many questions."

i'd put money on that last statement.

i can't remember what i was explaining but he pipes up with...

i don't understand that planation (explanation).  pop pop says to keep asking questions until i understand.  so please keep talking.  i'll tell you when i'm good.  


his mind works like a flowchart.  you start at the top with a simple statement.  he breaks it apart.  and then it flows.  down the page.  around the page.  until he has the first simple statement completely and totally understood.

just yesterday he was doing an app on my phone.  team umizoomi.  they were doing addition and subtraction.  i was watching him and immediately thought, there's no way he knows how to do that.


one plus one...probably.  but not above that.

i was wrong.

he did 1+1
he did 2-1
he did 2+2
and he did 4-1

i thought i was going to die.  now, let me say.  this might be totally appropriate for a 3.5 year old kid.  i'm not a teacher.  so idk.  but i was impressed.  and when i applauded him (think cheerleading jumps and screams), he nonchalantly told me that it was easy.  you just drew little lines and counted them.

WHAT!? i actually did this with him not too long ago.  but i never in a million years realized he was really taking it in.

all i can think about is how sad this is for kids who don't have parents to explain these little things to them.  i can't help but believe that all kids want to learn.

some just have an easier time with it.

tonight.

being a mom is hard.  the hardest, loneliest job i've ever (or will ever) hold.

i'm in a dark place at this very moment.  maybe it's because it's that time.  or maybe it's because max has another ear infection and i just can't take another ear infection right now.  maybe it's because all i want to do is work out, but there isn't time for that.

i've been in my bed crying for what seems like hours.  i'm pretty sure my husband is awake next to me.  but  none the less, he doesn't attempt to console me.  or hold me.  or ask me what's wrong.

i guess that's okay.  because i don't know what i would say if he did.

i'm sad.

today is just sad for me.  one of those days when i can't seem to get through tonight to know that tomorrow will be better.  i feel heavy.  and thick.  and tired.  weary.

i dread tomorrow.  i dread the same old same old routine that we get in every week.  i dread telling pratt that i can't play "catch the bunny" right now because i am trying to get max down for a nap.  or that we can't go outside because it's too cold for max.

i'm lonely.  and afraid.  and don't want the rest of my life to be this dark.

yet, i have no idea how to get out of here.

time will take me away, to a new place.  but then more time will pass and i'll be right back here.  crying so hard that my eyes are swollen in the morning.  wishing that i had my mom here to tell me that it was all going to be alright.

motherhood: always lonely, never alone.

you think i'd be used to it by now....

dear max.

dear max,

a few days ago your daddy said something that i don't want to forget.  and i'm writing it on here because 1. i will forget and 2. i think you should hear it.  (read it.  whatever).

we were both looking at you smiling.  i looked up and caught him looking at you.  with that smile on his face.  the same smile he had the day we got married.  when he saw me for the first time.  me and my up-do.  it was a cool up-do, though.  well, if that's possible.

anyway.  he said, "sometimes i think he looks just like mamaw.  like maybe she picked him for us, or something."

i couldn't have said it better myself.

i lost a baby in june before i got pregnant with you in august.  i convinced myself that she was in heaven, holding that baby.  rocking him.  loving him.  keeping him with her.

and so it's not a far stretch to imagine that she picked you out just for us.  only a few months later.

i wish i had known her better.  i wish she were still here, with us.  to hold you.  and love you.  and fix you strawberries covered in sugar.  i know your daddy misses her.

just thought you should know when dad says things like this.  because i really think it shows his heart.  his giant, great big heart.

xoxo, mommy.