success.

endings make me sentimental.

beginnings do too.

if i'm honest, i would probably admit that i'm sentimental ninety percent of the time.  of any time.  at any point, i'm minutes away from crying.  they could be happy tears.  or they could be total ugly cry, break down, i'm not gonna make it tears.

and so the beginning of this school year has me thinking.  and i spend a lot of time in the car.  and that's my thinking time.

and so i've been thinking about max.

and about how far he's come in a year.

my daddy commented on how confident he seemed in the back to school picture i took of he and pratt yesterday.

this morning clint sent me the picture he took of max a year ago...on his first day of school.

and it's incredible.

he was a baby.

he was unsure.  and nervous.  and so scared.

and then today...today he is the new kid.  this confident, strong willed kid.

max has done so much for me. he's taught me more in his 4 years of life than i have honestly learned in the 32 years before his birth.

this isn't new.  i tell people this all the time.  you've probably been on the receiving end of it.  he's taught me to slow down.  to be quiet and listen.  to do things in new ways.  he's taught me to take deep breaths.  to pray before my feet touch the floor in the morning.  to trust in my gut...in my intuition.

most of all though, he's taught me to re-evaluate my definition of success.

prior to him, my success as a parent was dependent upon a few things.  like...

did they get a job?
did they get married?
did they have kids?
do they have a bank account?
a savings account?
an emergency account?

all the first world things we worry about.

max changed all that.

he came in...in a storm of colic and screaming and cries...and he flipped my whole world upside down.

all that is great, yeah.  and that is expected of some, probably even most of us.  right?  yes.  i mean, if left on my own, i'd be at my parent's house.  but i married a man who, i don't even know.  he's the best.  and so i don't worry about anything big.  i really don't worry about anything at all because i'm spoiled.  but i'm off track at this point.

i mean, i want those things for pratt.  and for max, too.  i wan them to have jobs.  good jobs.  an emergency account.  i don't want a busted up water heater...and a new one that costs 4000 dollars to be the reason they lose it.

but their success, their level of intelligence will have nothing to do with where they rank in school.  with how much debt they accumulate starting in college.  with how many titles are placed behind their names.

i used to think that having a child who needed you for the rest of his life...be it because of a disability...because of a disorder...or whatever...i thought that was terrifying.  and scary.  and something i never could deal with.

i was wrong.

if max never sounds like your kid...if he never has the confidence to speak in front of other people...to have a "regular" job, i will turn one of these rooms into an office for him.  the mancave can be his apartment. i'll stock it weekly with popcorn and gummy bears and redbox rentals.  i'll do his laundry.  i'll give him an allowance.  i'll do whatever i have to to make sure he's okay. and happy.  because that's all i want for him.

obviously, in my dream world...he will be fine.  he will sound like i do.  and he won't be made fun of. he won't cry when i leave him in public school. he won't beg me to protect him from bullies.

but all of this has just reminded me that success is more than i ever thought.  it's about taking a lot of small steps.  it's moving in the right direction no matter how long we have to move.  no matter how many steps we have to take.

it's never stopping.  never giving up.   it's about hard work that doesn't always end up with stacks of cash.

it's about being kind to others.  putting others needs before your own.

and the good news is that anyone and everyone can do it.

i know that my max can.  i see it happen every day with his brother.

life is hard.  so hard sometimes.

but then there are days when things make sense.  and the battle seems smaller than i had anticipated.  it's those days i feel strong and capable.

today is one of those days.  my prayer is that you have that day too.