words.

i like to go to sleep before clint does.

there is comfort in that for me.  i like knowing he's there.  i like watching him read as my eyes drift off to sleep.

i'm not a touchy sleeper...you know, it's not like the movies at my house.  we don't tangle up with each other and fall asleep.  i need space.  i often flip my pillow for the cool side. i like being on my tummy but then i like to be on my side too.  i need room.  lots of room.  he would say the same thing.

but i also want to be close to him when i sleep.  i want to know he's there.

so often, i'll slip my hand underneath him.  right under his back.  and i'll leave it there.  and fall asleep.

last night, i knew he was getting tired.  so i turned off my mad men episode and rolled over to face him.

and as i looked up, i saw him. with his glasses on.  reading.  i stared at the outline of his face.  his chin.  his beard.  and his soft, kind eyes.  i looked at his hands.  how tan they always are.  when i see his hands, i'm always reminded of the countless ways he uses them daily.  he creates the most beautiful things with them.  that is never lost on me.

about the time i got comfortable, he closed his book.  folded his hands over it.  and closed his eyes.

i didn't say anything.  because i assumed he was praying.  and i didn't want words to interrupt it.

i watched for a few seconds before i closed my own eyes and prayed too.

the blessing that he is to me...it's never lost on me.  i get mad at him.  i get frustrated when he doesn't put the empty milk carton in the recycle bin...but i don't ever stay frustrated with him.

what he is...and what he will always be to me comforts me when i most need it.  he has been my voice of reason for over ten years now.

i know he will always love me.  i know he will always love the boys.  i know he will always work for us to have what we need.  i know he will always put me first.

i saw a post on Facebook today.  with a quote.  the quote was this...

be careful with your words. once they are said, they can only be forgiven...not forgotten.

isn't that so good?

i read it and immediately thought of my husband.   he is lucky enough to see me at my best...and kind enough to see me at my worst.

he gets me at the end of the day.  when i'm tired.  when i have no patience left.  when the smallest of things will set me off.

and yet, yet i know he's not going anywhere.  i know, God willing, we will grow old together.  i know that i'll be sticking my arthritic hand under his back when we are 90 years old.

there was a time when i didn't know i would ever have that confidence.  i have never been anything but myself with him.  i remember a time before him.  i remember trying desperately to be something i wasn't.

it is never worth it.  it's never worth losing yourself...your true self...to make someone else happy.  because in the end, it will all fall apart.

clint, if you're reading this.
i love you.
and i'm so thankful you love me too.