seasons.

last night i was reminded of max's first 4 months of life.

and in case you don't know...and you're new to this blog.  um.  max cried (read: screamed) for 125 days.  from day 21 to day whatever 21 plus 125 is.

i'm serious.

ask anyone.

screamed his dang face off.

that's what he did last night too.

started at midnight.  12:05 is what my fitbit says.  i thought he screamed for me because he needed to go potty.  that sometimes happens.

but no.  i went in to him and he was screaming.  crying.

clint and i both went over everything we knew.

is it your bottom?  do you need to potty?  is it your belly?  your throat?  nose?  head?  is it growing pains?  do your legs hurt?

we never got an answer.  but we could hear he was struggling to breathe.

he can't blow his nose.  never has been able to. it's either a palate issue.  or a hypotonia issue. i'm not sure which.

we used a warm cloth to wash off what we could.  but that just made him mad.  he finally fell asleep on me.  only to wake 30 minutes later screaming louder than before.

he did this all night.  about every 30 minutes he would scream out.  i assume because he woke and realized he couldn't breath.

because of the apraxia...and because he can't fully express himself to where we can understand, i still am not sure that's all that's wrong.

but we've used the nose frida three times.  and i've rubbed all kinds of oils on him.  and i'm thinking it's allergies and a lack of being able to blow his nose.

as frustrating as this is, i'm reminded that he's healthy.  and here.  in my arms.  and that no matter how many times i have to suction his nose, it's okay.  because that's what i'm supposed to do.

we had four 7th grade boys over the weekend.  for a confirmation weekend with our church.  as we were doing a devotion with them, we started talking about spiritual gifts.

i had no idea what my spiritual gift was when i was in the 7th grade.  i don't think i knew until now.  maybe this past year.

it wasn't until recently i knew a lot about myself.

i know what i like.  what i don't like.  i know what i'll stand for and fight for.  i know what hurts me.  and what makes me happy.

i know that God made me to be a mom.  i know that God gave us apraxia so that we could go out and make the journey easier for someone else.

i know that one day, my max will stand before a big group and he will speak.  and it will be clear.  and precise.  and well thought out.

i know that on that day, i'll be the proudest i have ever been.  i hope that someone has a video camera because i'll be a crying, blubbering idiot and won't see anything.

with each day that i'm handed something that reminds me of the apraxia, or the palate issues, or the hypotonia...i remember that it's gonna be okay.  and that i will get through it.  and that he will prevail.

i know that this won't be our biggest obstacle in life.  i know that something will be larger and harder and worse.  and i know that i will be reminded of this season.  when my 3, almost 4 year old couldn't tell me what was wrong.

if you're here too, if you're feeling lost or frustrated or worried about something you can't control, you're not alone.  i try so hard to not worry about things i have no control over.  it's hard.  but it's necessary.

life is good.  even in these seasons.  especially in these seasons.  because this is when we grow.  and don't we all want to grow?

xxoo.