news.

yesterday we got news that will forever (or at least for the next many years) change our lives.  alter our lives.  keep us on our toes.

well, more like keep us on our knees.  in prayer.

as many of you know, max doesn't say much.  he doesn't have much of a vocabulary.  he sporadically says words.  but he doesn't have a base vocabulary.  he doesn't have 10 words that he uses daily.  he doesn't really even have 2.

he babbles.  and he rhymes.  but nothing is ever clear.

so we took him to a school in little rock where they specialize in apraxia.  which is what we've thought was going on with him for a while.  first his slp mentioned it.  then i researched it...watched some kids who had been diagnosed with it...and voila.  deep down, this momma knew.  i knew that's what it was.

you might be wondering what apraxia is.  here is the definition.

childhood apraxia of speech (CAS) is a motor speech disorder that first becomes apparent as a young child is learning speech.  for reasons not yet fully understood, children with CAS have great difficulty planning and producing the precise, highly refined and specific series of movements of the tongue, lips, jaw and palate that are necessary for intelligible speech.  

from what i understand, "praxis" means planned movement.  so apraxia means without planned movement.  i think.

anyway.  the therapist was incredible.  she did two formal assessments with him alone.  and then brought clint and i in to talk to us with max.

she basically said that he was really young...but her gut tells her it's apraxia.  because he has such a limited vocabulary.  he only makes a few sounds...over and over again. she picked up on the m sound, n sound...and a few others.  but it's random and spontaneous.  and he won't do anything or any word on command.

i was terrified they would label him with any of the labels you can imagine kids without speech get labeled.  but she insistent that his receptive vocabulary was right on target for his age.  and that he understood everything said to him.  he just couldn't get it out.  his expressive vocabulary is not even what a 12 month old child has.  it's severe.

she basically said he had verbal and oral apraxia.  the oral part has more to do with his mouth.  the way he holds it.  the way he drools a lot.  that way he chews.  the way his little mouth works.  the verbal part is strictly his speech.

thursday night i prayed that no matter what they told us, i would accept it.  because knowledge is power.  i was terrified they would say there was something wrong...but that they had no idea what it was.  our experience was just the opposite.

she wants to have max attend therapy there 3 to 4 times a week.  intense therapy.  with a slp who is specialized in apraxia.

and then next year...when he turns 3, she wants him to be in the preschool there.  it will be from 8 to 3, five days a week.  he will receive global therapy along with preschool work.  while that's a lot for me to swallow...since pratt will be starting kindergarten...i know that this is the best thing for him.  and i pray that he will someday know that his being away from me for that long killed me...but that we did it for him.  we did it so that he would lead a normal, happy, fulfilled life when he was 25.  if i had my way, i would keep him here forever.  right beside me.

as i've been researching for ways to help him, now that we have a firm diagnosis...i came across this video.

and i've watched it 10 times.  and cried each time.

but it's what i, as max's mother, it's what i feel. it's my prayer.  it's what i hope for him.

for those of you who have kids who have never struggled, consider yourself lucky.  and say a quick prayer for the child who has.  for his or her parents.  for their worry.  for their sleepless nights.  for the blame that they put on themselves.  for the tears that fall daily.

i know that max will talk one day.  i know that he will speak clearly.

but right now...in this moment, i worry.

i worry i will never hear him say, "i love you, momma."

i worry that he will never tell pratt that he's an incredible big brother.

i worry that i will never see him stand on those church rafters and sing vbs songs.

i worry that he will never be able to call my mom on the phone and say, "hi cookie.  it's max."

i worry that he will never be invited over for sleepovers.  i worry he will picked last for sporting events.  i worry that he will cry.  and hurt.  and wish that he were anyone but himself.

but for now, i'll put all that behind me.  and i'll work every.single.day at making his life easier.  and helping him get to where he needs to be.  and if that means selling all our possessions...i'll do it.  i'll do whatever it takes.  i'll remind myself that he is healthy.  and happy.  and that is all that matters.

because at this point, i'm his biggest fan.  and his number 1 advocate.

go hug your babies.
thanks for listening to me ramble.