clint.

a few weeks ago, clint had a ct of his chest.

as long as i've known him, he has randomly gotten choked on food.  it's never the same food.  well, not really.  it's been steak the past few times.  and this last time, andy and clara were here.  and we were eating steaks.  and clint got choked, excused himself to the restroom and then came back out...sort of turning blue.  he looked at andy and pointed at his throat.

when andy got up to do the heimlich, the food actually went on down and clint was able to breathe again.

listen.  you don't know panic until you see your husband standing above you...unable to breathe.  unable to talk.

pratt was watching.  anderson was watching.  and we were all pretty much helpless.  well, andy moved pretty quickly.  but what if..

no.  see i can't even go there.

anyway.  he made an appointment to go see a doctor about it.  after an initial test, we had chest ct done.

it took about a week from the time the appointment was made...to the day the ct was done.

now listen.  if you've never been in this position, it will be difficult to imagine.  and this post won't do it justice.

but if you've been there, you know exactly how i felt.

worry doesn't begin to describe it.

i honestly googled until i had googled the entire internetS on esophageal cancer.  and anything and everything else related to it.

for many days, i prayed  my way through the 18 hours of being awake.  i cried.  i worried.  i tried to figure out how i would do it alone.

i didn't tell many people.  i don't know why.  maybe because i didn't really want to talk about it.  because i didn't want to deal with it.  i wanted to ignore it.  because in the back of my mind i wouldn't believe that this could actually happen.  that he would really be sick.  my young husband.

and he's not.  i mean, there was nothing there.  76 images later.  all emailed to one smart radiologist.  the SAME DAY of the ct.  because WHO IN THE WORLD CAN WAIT ALL WEEKEND FOR THAT?!???

anyway.  they have now scoped him.  and nothing seems to be there.  so they think it's a motility issue.

but for a few days, i thought i was losing him.

i really did.

i wondered what i would say to the boys.  how i would ever tell them.

crazy, yes.

but again, until you've been there, you can't judge me.  because you have no idea.

i found that food didn't taste the same.  happy wasn't really happy.  nothing mattered if he wasn't here with me.  i wanted him next to me...physically touching me...at all times.  i threatened to go to work with him every single day.  all i could think about was how i loved him.  and how i didn't think i had been good enough to him.  and how i would be better.

more than anything else, for the first time, i realized that he was, hands down, the MOST IMPORTANT PERSON IN MY LIFE.

i knew he was.  like had you asked me 6 months ago, i would have rattled off his name.

but i felt it.  in my bones.

and i was scared.  scared sh*tless.

and for the first time i had to really consider my own mortality.  and his.  and i hated it.

and i don't have a pretty way to wrap this up.  besides to say that i should be loving him every single day the way i loved him that week. i'm fairly certain i didn't lose my temper with him once that week.  that i never became unglued.  that i never rolled my eyes.  or took loud, deep breathes.

and so i'm trying to do better.  because i know life is short.  and i know that i love him more than i love anything or anyone else in this whole entire world.

he's okay.  and i'm okay.  but we won't always be.  and that's something i still can't get my mind around.  and while my friend emily claimed i would "walk gracefully" through whatever was ahead of me, i think she had more faith in me.  because i'm not sure i'd do anything with any grace.

i don't know.
i just know that life is short.
and i know that i love clint.

and i feel like i need to etch that into a tree or something...