january 30.

i don't know that this is really the place to be doing this...but i'm gonna do it anyway.  because what i'm about to say does affect my children.  and my relationship with them.  and their daddy.

a few days ago, a friend of mine on facebook posted about how she was going to be helping people with their new years resolutions to get and stay fit.  she's a beachbody coach.  she's awesome.  and scary.  really, really scary.  she said she was going to be on me like white on rice.  and i believe it.

this friend is someone i go to church with.  i don't know her all that well.  but i think it's because we've never really done much together.  i think that if we had the chance, we would probably be pretty good friends.  all that to say, i messaged her.  and opened myself up.  and told her things i haven't ever told anyone.

well, maybe one person.  my friend whitney.

but that's irrelevant.  i told my friend my story.  about why i wanted, needed her help.

and when i hit send, i prayed she didn't think i was crazy.

she didn't.  she knew exactly how i felt.  and she had felt the same way.  but over the past year, she has totally changed her life.  and i believe that she can help me to change mine.

i don't know where to start.  so i'll just jump in.

i'm not a fan of myself physically.  i don't know when this started.

but i think i know why.  or maybe what sort of helped the process to begin.

i was in the 11th grade.  i had on a cheerleading uniform.   see, clara.  i really was a cheerleader :)

i was standing at the end of the science hallway in our high school.  a boy, a year younger than me, was walking toward me.  when he got about 3 feet away, he said, "what's up ham hock legs?"

i will never, ever forget it.

it is etched into my mind just like the face of pratt.  and max.  and clint.  and my mom and dad.  it's that permanent.

i almost threw up.  on the inside.  but i think i smirked on the outside.  didn't let him know that he had hurt me so much.  he was actually a "friend".  if those existed in high school.  i don't know that they really did.

now fast forward 3 years.  maybe 4.  i was dating a guy in college.  we were in abercrombie and fitch.  and he looked up at one of the models on the posters in there and he said, "if you looked like that, i'd be more apt to ask you to marry me."

let me say that we were no where near there.  it's probably even a stretch to call what we were doing "dating".  i liked him.  he liked me.  but he also liked being a guy that wasn't in a relationship.  that's all i will say about him.

i think on some level he meant it.  he went on to marry someone much prettier than me.  she's tall.  and lean.  and well, that's all about that.  i'm not mad at him.  i think he's a great guy.  but the comment was horrible.  especially after the ham hock comment.

i know that body image is something that all us girls deal with.  i deal with depression on top of that.  so the two like to party sometimes and well, it's hard for me.

i say all that to say that i'm about to do something about it.  i'm about to change my lifestyle.

i'm tired of saying that i'll start working out, i'll enjoy wearing a summer clothes, i'll be comfortable in a swimsuit a year from now.

I WANT IT NOW.  i want to be confident.  i want to be fit.  i want to be healthy on the inside.  i crave it.  i really do.

so january 30th, i start a long journey.  a journey to be better.  to eat better.  to exercise better.  to be happier.  or on some days to be happy.

i am going to be doing p90x.  i know this works because i saw my sister's body completely transformed by it.  she's going to be doing p90x too.  so this will be awesome for me.  i need accountability.  i'm also going to be doing shakeology.  a meal replacement.  but that's where i draw the line with anything like that.  i don't want to be on diet pills.  i don't want to skip meals.  i LOVE to eat.  i want my children to see me eat.  i don't want them to ever feel like i skipped a meal.  i was raised by a mother who can cook anything better than any restaurant ever could.  i want the same for my boys.  i want them to eat veggies.  and fruits.  and whole grain.  and sometimes we will have meat.  etc, etc.

i feel pounds lighter already.  i needed to get that off my chest.  it defines so much of who i am today.  okay.  that's all.

being a girl is hard.  this world we live in is mean.  i will do my best to teach my boys to respect everyone.  their body.  their mind.  all of it.  if i ever hear either of my children call anyone "ham hock legs" i might die.

happy weekend!