eureka!

i just heard sandra bullock talk about parenthood.  motherhood.  and she said something about how the way you feel now (being with a child, being a mother, parent) makes you wonder if previously...you weren't "emotionally dead".

i couldn't have said it better myself.

i haven't ever been able to put my finger on that feeling.  but i've often talked around it.  i've said that i don't know what i did before pratt and max.  that i don't know what mattered to me.  or what i loved to do.

i have also said that i wasn't ever really tired.  or ever really worried.  etc, etc.

but that's it.  before september 13th of 2008, i was emotionally dead.  i mean, sure i loved peanut butter.  and i loved barnes & noble.  and i loved the feeling of getting into a cold bed.  with cold sheets.  and getting warm.  and sleeping.  and i loved taking trips.  and school.  and being at my parents house.

and most importantly, i loved my husband.

but the way i love him now, after the boys...it's just different.  it's deeper.  it's more meaningful.  it's heavier.  it's more all encompassing.

and the way i love all those other things, that love has changed with their presence.  i love going to my parent's house now more than ever.  because they go too.  and they get to experience how great a place it is.  how warm.  and homey.  and full of goodies.  a cold bed is much more fun with pratt snuggled up next to me.  barnes & noble is much more fun when heading in for a day of playing at the train table.

so i guess "dead" might not be accurate.

but i was definitely not as alive as i am now.

praise the Lord for my recognition of this.  praise the Lord for the three most important boys in my life.
i'm so blessed.