for spencer.

my sister is halfway through her pregnancy.  she's due in early january.

and she's had a few emotional days lately.  they have reminded me of how hard it is to be pregnant.  you tend to forget once the baby arrives and you begin the day to day survival mode.

i think being pregnant the first time was so much harder for me.  maybe because the before and after were so drastically different.  i went from having basically no responsibilities to having someone's life in my hands.  and that was so overwhelming.  i still remember vividly, watching my mother's car leave my driveway.  dip down...and head right.

i wanted to vomit.  because i was all alone with this baby.  this baby that couldn't talk.

now...now, i know that the world isn't going to come to an end if he cries in target.  i've even been so bold as to grab a diaper and a package of wipes and head out the door.  no bottle.  no pacifier.  no burp cloth.  i'm an old pro at this now.  i can bounce him on my knee, keep pratt from jumping out of his highchair, eat my food with one hand...not spill it on max's head...and hold a conversation with someone three seats down.

all the while a certain someone is using his knife to cut his broccoli and salmon and shrimp.

i can't remember the last time i was able to use a knife to cut my food.  maybe when i was still pregnant with pratt?!  probably.  i shock myself with how many things i can do at once.  it's true that moms/dads/primary caregivers really do make the world go round.

go us.

anyway.  my heart breaks for spencer as i think about what's she's feeling.  i remember trying so hard to explain to clint that i didn't know what was wrong.  that i couldn't name just one thing.

it was everything.  and nothing.  all at the same time.

and i wanted a hug.  but i didn't want to be touched.  but i wanted him to tell me it was all gonna be okay. yet, i knew it wasn't.

so confusing.  and hard.  and overwhelming.

so spencer, if you're reading this...hang in there.  because one day soon, you'll look at liza kate and you'll think...i'd do it all over for you.  even the worst days.  the days when i cried my face off multiple times.

i love you.
xoxo.