three years.

i've been married to my husband for three whole years. well, at 5:57 pm. that's when we said i do, three whole years ago.

we've been a "couple" since december of 2002. man, oh man. well, except those few times i broke up with him because he wouldn't give me a definitive, "yes/no" on the whole marriage issue. true story. (nana, stop laughing ;)

i feel like this year, i could write a book on marriage. on what not to do. on what not to say. on what not to expect.

but also, on why staying through hard times is one hundered percent completely worth it. (and let me say, we haven't really had any hard, hard times. just more like hard in comparison with what we had our first two years).

this year has been the hardest year thus far. not because of him or me, really. but because of how different our lives have become.

it's this constant balance of taking care of pratt. but also taking care of my husband. and yet...still taking care of me too. and everything else around here. the house. the animals. the toilets. the laundry. the dinner. etc, etc. this goes for both of us.

there have been days when i sat in my closet and cried for God to help. screamed for Him to make me bigger. make me better. for Him to give me strength that i didn't have to make it through another day. clint doesn't go to the closet, he goes on the front porch. and he isn't loud. he's quiet. it's this calm that comes over him. not me. me...i'm crazy. and big. and what's that word i'm looking for...dra...yes...dramatic.

and during all this, we have someone watching us. watching every single move we make. and so there is little to no arguing in front of him. little to no drama in front of him.

it's not his fault. and i don't believe he should be subject to it. i never saw my parents argue or fight. i knew they did. i saw my mom get frustrated. but she never yelled. she never cried.

they allowed me and spencer to be kids. there isn't enough of that in the world, i don't think. allowing kids to be kids. to be themselves. not growing up too soon. but enjoying the lack of responsibility. never having to worry about the future of the situation. never having to worry about what will happen tomorrow. i hope pratt always knows that we're here. we are here together. and we're here to stay. no matter what.

i may be the only one who thinks this, but i think there is something incredibly attractive about an old married couple. i love clint more now, than i ever have before in my life.

has it been hard? h yes.

has it been worth it? has it been worth hanging around? getting over myself. not taking myself so seriously? h yes.

on the flip side, this year...more than ever before, clint has become my family. yes, i still have my wonderful mom, dad and sister.

but for the first time in my life, this is my home. this is my life. this is my family. and i've become more protective of it. i've become more protective of him. of someone taking advantage of his kindness.

i've seen him turn to me and ask my advice. my opinion on something. this is better than anything else he could do. better than a footrub. better than a gift certificate for a mani/pedi. better than all else. to me, it's him showing me that i'm worthy. that i have something to give too.

a few things have happened where he and i have become the closest i've ever been with anyone. i've shared things with him that i never thought i'd say outloud. things that have hurt me. things that i've only thought. i've never even journaled them. never let them see the light of day.

and i wonder now, what would i have done with these things...had i not had him? my husband. my rock. the person who holds me when i cry. the person who reminded me that it really is okay. and that with time, like everything else i've ever known, things will make sense eventually.

when we stood in that church, three years ago, i never knew how much my life could change. i was so young. yet, i wasn't at all.

clint, thank you for loving me through all of this past year. thank you for walking on the front porch when i'm too much to handle. thank you for always hugging and kissing me when you walk in from work. thank you for being the best dad in the whole entire world for pratt. thank you for thinking i'm as pretty now as i was before my body was stretched to bryant and back.

thank you for always being the same. allowing me comfort in knowing the consistency of love. for never riding the rollar coaster of emotions that i have a season pass for. it warms me to my core to know that you love me no matter what. and it makes me want to be the best wife and mom and friend in the whole entire world.

thank you for working so hard every single day and for enduring a ten hour workday every other (ha) friday to make sure we have enough food on our plates and that pratt already has a college savings plan.

you make me really look like a slacker. seriously, you do.

i love you now. and i'll love you forever.

han.