today has been a long, hard day.
and it just won't end. i can't get to sleep. i have been lying there for what seems like forever. and i close my eyes and my brain rushes. won't stop. i think about cleaning my house before thursday night. i think about what i'll cook. about how i need to get pictures printed. off my computer and onto paper. about clint's postcards. about yoda's vet visit. about pratt's runny nose. his coughing. about my parents. about my sister's birthday. all of it. rush, rush, rush.
lately, i've done what i swore i would never do. i've begun comparing myself to others. something i haven't done in such a long, long time.
maybe it's time to cut off my hair again. when i was in college, i got a haircut at walmart...smack dab in the middle of my mid-life crisis. the woman gave me a rattail. not on purpose. but accidentally. i think. i dunno, really. anyway, it totally changed my personality. i stopped worrying about the pointless stuff.
i was happier.
it's not that i'm not happy now. it's that i've allowed crap to get in my way. in my mind's way.
i didn't have any energy today. i sat on the floor in pratt's room while he played around me. not with me. i was useless. and i started crying because of it. because i was useless. what kind of mother is useless? i was.
and i don't even have a job. it's not like i can say..."oh, yeah. well...i work from 8 to 5. and then get home and i'm just exhausted."
no. i don't get to use that. i'm here all day. just me. being a mom. and yet, i can be so useless.
i layed there on the floor and thought about how maybe i need some medication. something. anything. something to light a fire under me.
some days i feel like i have all the energy in the world. other days, i just want to be in bed all day. but being lazy...just makes me feel worse.
i know you're rolling your eyes. i would be too.
i can't help but remember what our preacher talked about in church sunday.
typically at some point, i read ahead. i check to see what scripture will be discussed and i read it before the preacher gets to it. like while the praise band is singing, i read ahead. it's a bad habit. but something i have to do. i have to read it at least twice before it really sinks in. i'm visual. you can read me something 20 times, and i'm not going to remember it unless i read it myself.
anyway. he was reading from haggai. haggai 1.
the verse that spoke to me was verse 5.
now this is what the Lord almighty says,
"give careful thought to your ways
you have planted much, but harvested little.
you eat, but never have enough.
you drink, but never have your fill.
you put clothes on, but are not warm.
you earn wages,
only to put them in a purse with holes in it."
when i read it, i gave the bible to clint. told him that that is exactly how i feel so often. like my bag has holes. like there are days when i'm the complete, total opposite of "content".
i hate that feeling.
tonight pratt didn't want to go to bed. he took an extra long nap this afternoon. didn't wake until around 615. so he wasn't sleepy at 8. clint was watching cartoons with him in our room. in the bed. i snuck up to watch them. it was so sweet. they were playing and talking. and clint was honestly watching nickjr.
i realized then that i could live without everything...as long as i had the two of them. all of the stuff around me is just that...stuff. and stuff means nothing without those i love most to share it with.
i want so much to stop wanting more. i want to be content. to be happy with what i have. to never yearn for something silly and empty again. i want to be a good example to pratt. i want him to look at me for guidance. i'm afraid that i'm not a good role model. i'm sure i will never feel up to the challenge. i think that is the guilt that comes along with motherhood. yay.
okay. i have to get some sleep. sorry for being so debbie downer. maybe now i'll feel better. catharsis. maybe? maybe...? nope. no better. ha.
one more thing. allie pw...i love you. and my heart has not stopped aching for you since we spoke this morning. hope you're having the sweetest of dreams.
About Me
- hannah
- i'm a girl who likes to write. not a girl that's necessarily good at writing. it's cathartic, i think. and boy do i need that from time to time. i married a wonderful man named clint in may of 2007. he is everything i am not. he is calm. he makes plans. he is organized. his truck is always clean. his clothes are hung by types of shirt/color/size/etc. i'm full of nervous energy. i'm spur of the moment. i can't ever find what i'm looking for. we live in my car...pretty much. i'm lucky if my clothes are within ten feet of my closet. God gave us a precious angel of a baby in september of 2008. his name is pratt allen. he is 2.5 years old.we have another little one on the way. his name is max wesley. and he is due may 19th. somehow i'll be the mother of two boys. craaaaa.zy. i spend my days cleaning house. picking worms and caterpillars out of the flower beds. cooking meals. shopping at target. washing clothes. playing on the floor. reading books. doing puzzles. traveling to sonic. and the library. and blogging. i hope you enjoy our blog. feel free to leave a comment. hopefully it's a nice one. i tend to wear my heart on my sleeve.
8 comments:
we all have these days. Every single one of us. Those that work and those that stay home.
I hope you never stop having them, honestly. Because if you did you may not realize how much you need God on a second by second basis - and then, those moments when you can sneak up on those boys you love wouldn't be as sweet. What a great, GREAT mom and wife you are to them - i hope you always know that.
If I get to see you at Christmas, I hope you'll remind me to give you a big hug for this particular post. As I was reading it, I kept thinking "yep, yep, I have totally felt that way" And maybe you're right, maybe it's just part of being a mom.
When I came home yesterday, after Abby's 1st day with the nanny, I couldn't deal. She wanted nothing but for me to play with her - to chase her around the room - and I sat on the floor and tried to force happy faces for her - but really, I just didn't have it in me. What kind of mom was I for not being able to muster the minimal amount of energy to play with a baby that has missed me all day.
And it's not because I work - I honestly believe that being a stay at home mom is just as much if not more work than what I do. It's the hardest job in the world.
I do agree with Bethany - and she is also so wise isn't she? Bless you for sharing with the rest of us - because it validates that we're not alone in this.
You have a world of people who love you hannah, and I'm so blessed to know you. I hope today is a better day. Thanks, again, for sharing. (hug)
Hannah, Hannah, Hannah. You complete me. I read your words and I say..."THAT'S ME!!" I'm the opposite of content most of the time. I have read your blogs and been green with envy because of all you have been blessed with and I feel soo jealous...
You are amazing. AMAZING...and so honest with yourself and others thru this blog. Keep on keeping on. We all have these slumps. Remember to allow yourself to just feel what you feel without expecting something more or less. Be as kind to yourself as you would be to someone else who was feeling the way you do. Cyber hug!!
um hello. I WAS NOT ROLLING MY EYES. Moms have the hardest job in the world. You know that! I sit on the floor just like that. So often. Will just crawls around me probably doing something for the first time and im just zoned out sometimes. And I snap out of it and do the same crying thing.
Everyone has these days. Like every other day. We need to write a book.
And you better stop comparing yourself to others. Duh. Just dont take your mind there. You will always be sad if you do that. Or discouraged. I sometimes struggle with the same thing. But you gotta think... God has you exactly where He wants you ... doing exactly what you are supposed to be doing. And that your hair is cute. And you don't even have to dye it. That's some kind of blessing! And you have a Target in your town. And a Sonic. And your kid can dance like a rockstar.
Youre not a debbie downer. Youre just real. What a tragedy it would be if we led people to believe that marriage and mommyhood was a perfect pretty walk in the park. You know.
"The Lord is my portion, saith my soul."-Lamentations 3:24... your bag doesnt have holes. It's just a new kind of content I think stay at home moms have to develop. Where doing the SAME repeatitive things day to day is the norm. And it's ok. But it's easy to get discouraged bc your just going through the motions some days. And you feel useless and unappreciated. Does that make sense? I feel like you have given me this exact pep talk before... :)
I hope today is better. 30 minutes til happy hour....
thanks to each and every one of you. i'm so lucky to have you as friends. honestly. i am.
I'm the worst speller. Lhm
OK, so unless you deleted it...i tried to post earlier today on this. probably forgot to hit "publish" which is in keeping with my life.
this morning, i saw some artwork dennis had done on the table...i thought, wow, i didn't see that last night. i should put a post-it on it that says, "great job!"
and then i recoiled. i had almost treated my house like my office. there's just so much going on! you can't put stickies on your child's artwork! not acceptable.
we're all just so freaking busy - and there's so much going on. and we just found ourselves about...oh, around age 29...and our 30s are this giant bridge that we're walking to become confident real adults.
it will get better. and when it does, it will all fall apart again...and that's what grace and mercy are for.
miss you like crazy and love you even more.
everybody feels lazy on days. it doesn't make you useless.
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