dear pratt.

dear pratt,

i was listening to itunes...to john mayer (who you love), when my playlist hit a song called godspeed by the dixie chicks. it's about little boys. and other things...but my words would pale in comparison. so you'll just need to listen to the song. maybe type out the lyrics. that always helps me. then i get the big picture. or at least...what it means to me. as a smart musician named rob thomas said...great songs means different things to different people. he's so wise.

the song got me feeling tearful...and maybe joyful too. hopeful, maybe.

i started thinking about something. something i want to tell you.

first, i always said that when i had kids, i'd be honest about my past. so i'm sticking with that. you can ask me whatever...and i'll answer. i hope that you can learn from some of my mistakes. 'cause i'm pretty sure your dad hasn't ever made any. i'm serious. you're lucky...i've made a million. so you'll never feel alone in this house.

ever tell a lie? me too.

ever hurt someones feelings? me too.

ever not finish medical school/graduate school/etc? me too.

ever stolen a mickey mouse backpack from disney world? me...oh wait. no...not me. that's sugar. ask her about that.

anyway, you've started doing this thing. where when something excites you, or scares you...or anywhere in between really, your eyes get really big and you wobble your way over to me. if i'm on the floor (which i usually am), you will wrap your arms so tightly around my neck. and then you'll lean in for a kiss.

it's, hands down, one of the sweetest things you've ever done. and it's probably my favorite thing you do. yes, it is. it's so innocent. so loving. so kind. and all you want in return is for me to hug you back. and kiss you.

you'll never know what this affection means to me.

i know, without a doubt, that you love me. no strings attached.

you don't love me because i cook for you. or because i clean your nose. or because i wash your clothes. or because i change the worst poop diapers ever.

no, you love me just because. just because i'm your mom. just because i'm me.

i haven't always had that.

i haven't always had someone love me just for being me. most girls have experienced this at some point in their lives. and maybe most boys too. yes, probably most everyone.

there have been times when i thought i should be skinny. or pretty. or be able to sing. or be taller. or shorter. or smarter. or wear more trendy clothes. or give more. or give less. or just be anything in the world besides myself.

but not now. i don't feel like i have to be anything more than myself for you and your daddy to love me.

and for me...for my nature...for my tendancy and my desire to please everyone around me...this is so relaxing. and comfortable. and wonderful.

so thank you. thank you for loving me. for loving me without strings. for loving me just because. for loving me whether we live here in this house...or in a box down by the river.

i'm not silly enough to think that you will always love me so openly. or that there won't be times when you don't feel like you love me.

so in those times, get this out and read it.

and know that no matter what...i love you.

and i always will. no strings attached.

i won't base my love for you on what you do with your life. or who you spend your life with. or on what you give me for mothers day. or how often you hug my neck.

nope. i will love you because you're you. because you're my little boy.

mostly, i'll love you because He loved us first. and because of His love, i know how to love too.

always and forever. x's and o's.

mommy.