new things.

i want to first thank you guys for the comments you left concerning clint's grandmother. my love language has always been words of affirmation. in most all areas of my life. and so what each of you said...it's been such a blessing over the past few days. i've found myself going back and re-reading the comments over and over again. clint has read them too. and i know they were comforting to his soul.

so thank you. thank you so, so much. i'm so blessed to have such wonderful people in my life.

mamaw is hanging in there. i've convinced myself that due to the massive damage done to her brain by multiple strokes, she can't feel everything that must be going on right now. if you know differently, please never inform me or clint. this makes us feel so much better...as the feeling that someone you love dearly is suffering has to be the worst feeling in the world.

clint took off work today to go up and be there with the family. i loved what he said and thought it was so indicative of him. he said, "i might just go sit on the front porch or something."

so very "country boy can survive". so manly. so perfect. him. totally him.

i know what he means. sometimes it's just nice to be somewhere. and i know that mamaw and papaw's house holds many dear memories to him. as papaw said the other day, "i watched clint leave for kindergarten and college."

that is one of mamaw's favorite stories to tell me. she must have told me several times. that clint left for college from her front porch. she is so proud of him. and she has every right to be.

as he left this morning, i was doing laundry. i try to stay quiet if he's not talking, and i try to be talkative if he's in the mood. i am trying my best to be strong for pratt's sake. to be the same. for things to be normal and typical. i know it's incredibly hard for clint to do this.

i know how this is all consuming to him. and i remember back when pratt was only a couple of months old. how i just wanted to crawl up into a ball and disappear. i wanted clint to swoop in and take pratt downstairs. and i wanted to stay in the closet. on the floor and cry. cry until i had no more tears.

i feel like clint has these same feelings. like he just wants to be alone with his thoughts. and for that reason, i'm trying to allow that. it's just so hard. because clint isn't the quiet type. he's not loud...he's just there. always there. we have always had such wonderful, deep conversations. at time, yes, they're surface. but most anytime, i can get him talking about anything.

but not right now. and i know it will be a while before things are back to normal. and i know that God is growing me right now. growing me into the person that i'm supposed to be. the mother i'm supposed to be. the wife i'm supposed to be. so i guess i owe Him a thank you. that one will be hard to write. ha.

the other night we were on our way back from beebe and clint said, "i should have told her to give me a sign so i know it's her when she comes back."

so, the background. when my grandmother died, she told my dad that she would be back to see him. he asked for a sign so he would know it was her, and she told him that he would just know. fast forward many years...my grandmother lives in our house. in camden. my parents house. true story. she was here with us for a while when pratt was first born. here's the story if you missed it.

so when clint said that the other night, he was making a joke. i laughed like it was the funniest joke he had ever made. and at the moment, it was. it was so nice to hear him laugh. see him smile. even if he was mocking my dad. ha.

i texted my dad to tell him and he wrote back, "tell him he doesn't need to tell her. she will contact him if and when she can. and she will soon be free from what johnny cash called "the shackles that bind me". also tell him that i know exactly how he feels and that it will be okay, but not anytime soon."

i am crying as i type that. the worst part is a. that my dad knows how he feels (which goes back to hating when someone you love hurts. let's just say that i'm glad i wasn't completely aware of how much my dad hurt when granny died. i was young..too young to understand, and apparently that was a blessing in disguise). and b. "not anytime soon" is horrible.

i knew it wouldn't be anytime soon. because all that crap about how "time heals all wounds" is just that..crap. because it doesn't. meredith always used to say, "it's what you do in that time." i agree with that. but i also know that forever, a small part of clint will be missing. and that completely breaks my heart.

okay. i'm done with that. i can't talk about it anymore.

on to happy things.

pratt has learned to play his laptop computer as a piano, a la jerry lee lewis style...

and then when he noticed i was taking his picture, he did this...

so, so funny. and such a little blessing. he has been incredibly funny these past few days. just when i've needed it.

i think sugar and spice taught him the skeet trick where you put a chip halfway in your mouth and skeet will come bite off the rest of the chip. because that's what pratt is doing these days.

he is taking a few steps before falling too! yippee! all in his time. he's so deliberate.

nana got him a wooden toy from pottery barn that has the wooden blocks that fit into their own cutouts. i don't know what it's called. but he's played with it since he was about 9 months old. but he's never been able to put any of the pieces in their holes. well, yesterday he did it! 2 of the six pieces! he can do the white circle and the orange square! i screamed and clapped like he had found the cure for cancer.

he dances like elaine benes anytime dora is on. it ain't pretty. but he comes by it honestly.

he loves to crawl up the stairs. and i will usually let him and just follow along behind him. he still loves doing the laundry.

he's such a joy to be around. even though he still throws his food on the floor and can be the whiniest baby on the face of the earth. we still love him dearly :)

enjoy your weekends.

prayer.

For whatever reason our internet is not working. Go figure. Its probably the Lord telling me to clean the house instead of blogging. Ha.

Anyway, please keep clint in your prayers. And all the fulks family. We went to see mamaw last night. Its just days now. I'm not sure if this is better or worse. I guess the grass really is always greener.

I have lots on my mind. And I need an outlet. I hope I'm able to blog later today. Until then, please remember us in your prayers or thoughts or good vibes.

Love to each of you.

heavy.

just yesterday i started to blog. i wrote, "it feels like something big is coming my way. something heavy. i hate this feeling."

i still have it as a draft.

that was around 3. and well, that "something big" came last night.

clint got a call from his dad about his grandmother. mamaw fulks. mamaw has had several strokes over the past year. with each one, she's lost more and more ability. to do everything. talk. walk. eat. swallow.

you get the picture.

so from what i understand, the doctor has stopped helping her with food and water. they were using a thickening agent. and as of yesterday afternoon, they've stopped that. he gave her anywhere from 2 days to 2 weeks.

clint found out around 7 pm. he might have said 20 words from 7 until he went to sleep. and he slept a long time this morning.

the first time i met mamaw fulks, we were at her house. her and papaw's house. i could tell how much she loved clint. it was evident. it was written all over her. she glowed.

i could go on and on about what she meant to him, but i won't. i'll let him do that.

last night as he rocked in his chair, he said..."i feel like a little piece of me is dying with her." and he mentioned that pratt would never really know her.

i know what it's like to want pratt to know someone like you do. i know exactly what that means. i have so many stories about my parents. about how funny they are. about what they mean to me. but more than telling pratt the stories, i want him to be around my parents. to experience them. to really know them.

i told him that pratt would know her. that he could tell him stories about her. all his favorite stories. just like my parents have done about their parents. but i know that's not really enough.
i'm not new to death. i've been dealing with it a long time. so i'm used to it. well, as "used to it" as you can get i guess. but clint isn't. he has his grandparents and his parents. and grandma teddie and grandpa joe aren't really like grandparents at all. they seem so young...like maybe they're my age. seriously, if you know them...you know what i mean.

i'm selfish. because i'm so worried that i won't be able to be strong enough for him. last night i layed in bed and prayed that God would give me the strength i know He can give me. because i feel so weak. i feel so unprepared. i feel so selfish to be worried about myself.

clint has always been my rock. since our first date. i've never had to make him happy. he just was. it was his personality. i was the one who could have mood swings. i am the one who can ride the roller coaster of emotion. he never does. he has never needed to.

i'm afraid. he said last night that he would be okay. that he might be sad for a while...but eventually he will be okay.

and i know this is what he wanted for his mamaw.

so if you pray...please add my sweet husband and all his family to your prayer list. we would greatly appreciate it.

here are mamaw and papaw with clint right before our wedding. so, so sweet.

one year old pictures.

so nana took pratt the friday before his birthday for a special treat.

pratt spent the night with her and randy that friday night and on saturday...pratt had a special photography session with a local photographer.

nana bought me and my mom a cd with the images from the shoot. i have to share a few. they were all so cute. and the red couch is just perfect! a kids couch! how adorable!

thank you again nana for the wonderful pictures! pratt is so lucky to have you as his nana. he tells me so all the time :)

we love you.

oh pish posh.

so my friend rachel has a new blog that you MUST check out.

http://www.ohpish-posh.blogspot.com/

rachel was a school teacher...well, before she had her little boy will. and much like my sister the school teacher, rachel can do anything. paint anything. decorate with writing. and her friend ashley is also super talented/creative and is also the person behind the work on the computer.

as i have said before, i have NO creative bone in my body. so the idea that a friend painted something for our home, or pratt...etc...is great to me.

here are some of my favorites....

go check her out! you'll be glad you did!

thursday thoughts (thanks laura).

so i copied from my creative friend laura. the title.

i was going to call it "lately" but thought "thursday thoughts" sounded much better. more creative. i'm not creative. i have no creative bone in my body. seriously. the last thing i did creative was write my name in paint marker on my see-through pink swatch phone in the fifth grade. and i'm pretty sure that even then, i copied the idea from spencer.

oh well.

pratt is extra clingy lately. wants to be held all the time. when you put him down, he pulls at your shirt. wanting you to keep holding him. he won't let his feet touch the ground. instead, he pulls them up into his tummy. it's really quite funny. and i find myself trying to put him down just to see him work his abs.

i'm sure it's because of the sickness...but i'll take it. he's feeling a little better. still not himself though.

my 30th birthday present is finally...well, 75% complete.

my bookshelves. the bookshelves i've begged for...oh, i dunno. for years. we've never had bookshelves before. and there is just something about them. something clean. and classic. my parents have a "study" at home. dad's study. and it's filled with books. i love that room. it was always shocking to me that nearly every book in there had been read by either my mom or dad. i loved that.

well, here is a picture of our shelves. i have to brag. a business in town built them for us. and then my talented, anal and perfectionist of a husband painted them. don't they look wonderful? we still have to get the doors on bottom part...and the shelves in at the top. but it just totally changes the way that room looks. i can't really claim any credit for these. about all i did was take the shelves out so that the case could be painted.





pratt has lost a little bit of weight due to the d.rear. so, i'm trying to put weight on him. when you consider the fact that he only weighs 20 pounds...2 pounds is quite a bit of weight to lose.

enter poptarts.



he loves them. of course he does. his momma could eat poptarts everyday for the rest of her life.

i have so many pictures that need to be framed. i find that lately i have such good intentions on things...but can't get everything accomplished. for that reason, i've tried to stop making lists. because when i make lists...and don't get everything checked off before bed...i can't sleep. and let me tell you...me not sleeping is not good.

oh, and pratt is attempting to lose his morning nap. whatever kiddo. whatever. the book says that 80 percent have lost that nap by 15 months. and that from 12 to 15 can be rough. because sometimes one nap isn't enough...yet two naps seems impossible. he went down at 1122. it's 218 and he's still asleep. hopefully he can make this a 3 hour nap. and then wake and be refreshed. apparently, i'm supposed to start pushing his bedtime earlier because of the loss of the morning nap. i'll work on that next week. when he's feeling better.

clint is busy freaking me out with halloween decor from walgreens. i hate masks. it stems back to when i was a kid. paxton singleton who lived next door to me, came over one night and knocked on our window with a dang mask on. i peed my pants and have never been the same. i don't "do" halloween trick or treating because of masks. nothing scares me more than a person in a mask being all quiet. i mean, come on.

he hung this crazy death eater in our guest bathroom under the stairs. let me just say this...i almost had a heart attack. he should be glad that i don't kill him in his sleep. he said he almost put it in my closet. i would have died y'all. DIED.



i've been thinking of halloween costumes. i have to just get over the halloween hate i have. i mean, after all...pratt isn't going to do well with his mom being scared of kids in masks.

i have a great costume for pratt. i found the sweetest little hippo costume. after all, we call him prattopottamus. but i'm leaning towards the entire family dressing up. including ace. i don't want to say just what we're doing yet...i'm still trying to talk clint into it.

and finally, pratt has been busy doing laundry. naked. because after all, isn't doing anything naked...much more fun than doing it with clothes on?

thought so...



oh, and he likes to close doors now too.



have wonderful weekends!

the only good thing...

about having diarrhea...

pedialyte freezer pops!