jammin'

this is what i found between pratt's toes last week.

you decide if i should be reported to dhs.

and to answer your question...yes. it's toe jam.

and yes, i gave him a bath five seconds after i discovered it.

finally...yep. it was between other toes too. i won't name which one(s).

new tricks. courtesy of pratt.

today he full out laughed. he was up against me, craddled. i was rocking him to sleep. he was in that trance state...where his right eye is almost opened, left eye closed. and he was doing that smile thing. the one "they" say is gas. whatever. it's not gas.

anyway, he was smiling like that. then all of a sudden, he did a full face smile and just laughed. like a belly laugh. a giggle. it was great!

he's started looking at us and smiling. i noticed it last thursday. october 23rd. i heard him sort of moving around, ready to get up. and so i went and got him before he could get upset. watched him wake up and then was changing his diaper. he looked at me and i was talking to him and he smiled. heavenly. absolutely heavenly.

i decided then that i wouldn't be upset about getting up (and staying up) at all hours of the night. i finally feel like he actually knows who i am. a great, great feeling.

he could, if we let him, climb a mountain on his belly. no legs or arms. just his torso. he is such a squirmer. he is a scooter.

he has learned to shake his head, "no". this isn't actually for him saying the word...more like what he does if you try to put the pacifier in his mouth and he doesn't want it in there. he'll shake his head back and forth so you can't keep it still. hilarious. unless it's 4:30 am, and you've been trying to get him to fall asleep for an hour and a half.

this is getting pretty fun. it's crazy to see him change so much in only a few short weeks.

i've decided that i don't care how much i spoil him by holding him. everyone keeps telling me that too soon, he'll be so big and won't want to be held. so i'm soaking it up now. i love that he wants to be held. i love that he is comfortable there. it makes sense to me.

as a kid, i loved being right up next to my dad. i'd go in their room right before bedtime and ask him to clean out my ears. i know this makes no sense...but he was good at it. and so i'd get a q-tip, crawl up next to him in bed and lay really still. he'd clean out my ears. and i'd quickly act like i was asleep. my parents had a strict no sleeping in their bed policy. so i always thought that if i faked it...faked being asleep, they'd just say, "oh to heck with it...she's so comfortable here. let's not wake her. just leave her here. she can sleep with us this one night."

it never happened. they always woke me up and made me go back to my room.

there was a period of time when i slept with spencer.

and then now, when i've had a bad day, there is nothing greater than getting right next to clint to fall asleep.

something about being near someone. it's soothing, almost.

so i get why pratt likes being near me. and for now, i love it.

i know there will be times i'll probably regret the holding...but not now. now, he's a baby.

and babies are meant to be held.

the beginning.

i cannot wait until he's old enough to have a mohawk.

yes, there, i said it. a mohawk. and maybe if we're lucky, he'll dye it pink or orange or something as cool as that.

and then maybe he'll play in a band. be the drummer. because clint says they are always the most talented.

i'm dead serious about all of it. especially the mohawk.

(my dad is somewhere about to die right now :)

first night away.

last saturday was my first day away from pratt. overnight. everyone told me that i'd cry. and that i'd be so upset driving away. i guess i'm a bad mom, because i didn't cry when i drove away. i was fine until saturday night.

i got to go to my first football game of the season. we had a wonderful time. we got to see stephen and meritt and jay and kelly gwynne and vernon and josh. the game was...well, maybe we'll be better next year.

anyway, i was doing okay until we got back to our hotel room. when i layed down to fall asleep, i became upset. this is typical. as i've said before, i was always the kid who loved the bunking party until the sleeping bags came out. then i was headed straight for the phone to get my parents to come pick me up asap.

i wondered what pratt was doing. if he knew that i had left him. if he knew that i was a horrible mom. all of it. i wondered if he would ever forgive me. or if when he's 16, he'll remind me that i left him at only 6 weeks old.

but i'm going to bank on what whit said in her text to me that afternoon. it's like she knew without me ever mentioning it...that i needed to hear it. she said..

i want you to know that taking time for yourself makes you an even better mom. you deserve this little break, so enjoy the game and your time with clint.

so that's what i did. i enjoyed it. i knew that pratt was being taken care of by people who loved him as much as i do. and...there were seven of them. seven always beats two.

so thank you to aunt betty, aunt carol, hollee, christy, toot, poppy and sugar for a wonderful saturday night. pratt had such a wonderful time.

sugar.

i've recently been reminded of the importance of family. more specifically, my sister.

it's quite possible that she loves pratt as much as clint and i do. to pratt, she is known as "sugar". which is perfect. because i know that as he gets older, and spends more time with her, all of those times will be sweet. sweet as sugar.

rarely does a morning pass when she hasn't texted or called to say good morning to him. and that she loves him and misses him. i found the first text so sweet...but have realized that with each one...they mean more and more to me, and i know to him too.

i was reading emily's blog today and read where her little girl said she wanted to be a chef and a dancer. i thought this was so sweet. so youthful. dreamy. wonderful.

it made me think of spencer. and how she used to always say that she wanted to be a hairdresser and a lawyer. when we'd question her on doing both these things, she would tell us that her plans involved cutting hair...and while doing so, she'd talk to the client about their divorce. it was always a divorce for some reason. i guess because when dad would come home from work, that's what we'd hear. stuff about divorces. they were hard for him, i think. i think it's tough when there are kids involved. this stuck with spencer.

so that was her plan. cut, bleach, fix the hair and discuss the case.

i remember these days. the days of believing you can be anything you want. and i wonder when i stopped believing. i wonder what happened. i guess maybe in my case it's that i'm 29 and still have dreams. only now when i say that i want to go to nursing school to be a nicu nurse, no one takes me seriously. instead, my dad and clint roll their eyes and say, "here we go again..."

much like emily's little juliette, i hope pratt has big dreams. be it a firefighter or a brain surgeon...a chef or an author. whatever it is, i hope that i'm never guilty of crushing those dreams. i hope that i always remember how important it is to let him decide. and as clint says, " as long as he's able to financially support himself and his family...he can do whatever his little heart desires".

and if for some reason, the funds don't work out...i'll be there. i already know that i will.

so to sugar...if i ever fall down on these promises...remind me of this post.

maybe he'll be a school teacher. maybe he'll be as good as you. let's hope so.

we love you.

prayer.

i have kept a journal since i can remember. sixth grade, maybe? i dunno. i've always loved to write. even if it's unimportant stuff. at the time, it was important to me.

i was looking back today through some stuff i had written right after pratt was born. i was reminded of how i felt that week he spent at the hospital. looking back on it, i'm not sure how we drove home on that monday when we left him. i remember only a few parts of it. but i had written down...word for word...what clint said to me. and today, i re-read it.

that week, i had never been closer to God. i was honestly in a state of constant prayer. every thought concerned pratt. and the nurses. and the doctors. and the other babies up there. i would see a commercial, and immediately think of him. it was like going through a break up. you know, when everything you see reminds you of the person. and all you want to do is call and just check on them. that's how it felt.

i would wake up at night and wonder if he was awake. wonder if sandy was with him if he was. i convinced myself that he never cried. convinced myself that he was pretty much in a drug-induced stupor the entire time he was there. someone told me to just think of it as him being at the babysitters. and that the babysitters were the most qualified, well payed ones he'd ever see. that helped...but only a little.

that week was the longest of my life. it really was. it was longer than the time i had chicken pox as a kid. i remember i was supposed to be in a play at school. i was the season spring. who knows? but i was. and i had this wonderful little headband thing made of flowers that i was going to get to wear. and every day i would wake and walk in my parents room, into my mom's bathroom...go up to her mirror. look in it. and every day it seemed that i had more pox. they were everywhere and i remember thinking they would take forever to go away.

i'd relive those chicken pox now. they don't seem so bad.

i know that the only thing that got us through that week was prayer. lots and lots and lots of it. from us. from you. from people i'll never meet. i am working on thank you notes, and have been keeping notes for pratt in his baby book until i am able to find him a box. i came across a note from camille helms at the first baptist church in camden. she had put pratt on a prayer list. and everyone praying for him had signed a sheet of paper. she sent it to us, and as i read over each name (for probably the 10th time last night) i cried. some of the names i recognized. others i didn't.

i wish that i had every name. i wish that i knew all the people who had prayed for us. i would seriously write thank you notes to each and every person. i am completely convinced that they are the reason we came home when we did...and they are the reason pratt is a healthy and happy boy today.

when he gets old enough, he will hear this story. and i hope that he will understand the love with which he was showered. i never want to show him the pictures from the hospital. i can't stand to look at them myself. but i promise to teach him the importance of prayer. and the importance of selflessness. and the importance of always putting God first, others second and himself third.

again, thank you to all of you who love us. we are such a lucky little family.

all things considered.

as the woman on npr says. i've been thinking of some things lately. it's random.

1. only people with children or those pregnant should be allowed to use drive through windows at fast food restaurants. being lazy isn't an excuse. enjoy being able to get out of the car and actually walk in. just for the sake of walking. even if you're not going to enjoy your food inside the restaurant. enjoy the fact that if you are interested, you can go inside in a hurry. like it might only take you 5 minutes. whereas it will take a pregnant person much longer. it's hard getting out of the car when you get big. and with a kid, it's almost impossible. leads me to number 2...

2. why are car seats so freaking heavy...even without a baby in it? i need one like jan had on the office. the orbit, i think. i've heard they are much lighter. it's impossible for me to hold that seat, and open a door at the same time. i have to put the seat down, and then open the door, and then hold it with my butt, and then pick the seat up...get it? it takes forever. and this just reiterates why only those pregnant or with children should get to use drive throughs. and of course, those with any type of disability.


3. pratt hates what i love the most. for example, i would love to sleep all day. he's not so interested. he'd much rather be up, staring at the fan. i love taking baths. him, sometimes they're okay, other times, not so much. there is no rhyme or reason to this. i would love to sit in a chair that vibrates. him, no thank you. i would love to swing all day long. and what makes this even better..is that you don't have to hold onto the metal part of the swing handle. that stuff always makes your hands stink. and then you have to go in from recess and all the kids smell like metal. yuck. he'd rather not swing.

4. for the rest of my life, i will always consider how whatever i'm about to do will affect his life. yes, i did this to some extent with my husband, but even more now it seems.

5. why does formula have to smell like agar? everytime i smell it, i feel like i'm back in science class.

6. there is something so wonderful about holding him, and having his little arm draped around my neck. it's heavenly.

7. i need to begin writing thank you notes to my parents for putting up with me and my crap for 29 years. i cannot believe they haven't walked away. seriously, clark. seriously...