but i'm not a private person.
i think that privacy is from the devil. well, usually. obviously there are some things that need to be kept private. BUT when something happens and i have a feeling another person can benefit from it....or maybe even i can benefit from it, then i feel it's necessary to share.
so that's what i'm doing.
max will soon start physical and speech therapy. locally. as far as i know (what i've understood so far), he's a textbook low muscle tone baby.
physically: he w sits. he has never jumped off his feet at this point. he cannot walk down an incline. he cannot walk down steps without a rail. he cannot kick a ball. he cannot walk backwards. he falls over/backwards/down at least 15 times a day (that's a good day).
that's a whole lot of "cant's". and my school psychology/positive reinforcement background is kicking in and so i have to include a list of what he can do.
he can love. he can hug. he can walk. he can run. he can smile. he can kiss. he can hug. and lots of other things too. but that's just a few.
after meeting with the physical therapist (who is a good friend of mine), she thinks that he will benefit from 2 hours a week of therapy with her. she seemed very optimistic about him improving. most likely within a year. maybe more. at this point, he qualifies for early intervention services because he is below the age of 3. once he turns 3, we will go from there. i'm hoping by then, he will be way more stable on his little feet. and that he will be doing what all "typical" 3 year olds are doing. as of right now, he is actually 23 months old. but physically he is somewhere around a 12 to 14 month old child.
that's all for physical.
now. for speech.
this gets really complex. and really confusing. really quickly.
his tonsils are gigantic. he had 11 ear infections in his first year of life. he is low muscle tone. apparently (i think) all those things together can cause lots of problems. his palate is still very high. which usually flattens by now. for some reason his hasn't. his tonsils cause his tongue to protrude forward. it causes him to drool A LOT. the low muscle tone affects his facial muscles and maybe (?) his speech.
we had an eval friday with the speech pathologist. she says she thinks max is around a 10 to 12 month age as far as expressive vocabulary goes. he has about 12 words he can say. he "should" have 50. his receptive vocabulary (what he can understand without using words) is right at 24 months. within normal limits. average. where most kids are. but not his expressive.
i don't know yet how much speech therapy she thinks is necessary. i will know next week.
i know that this might not make any sense to you, because max is not your child...but the amount of guilt i feel right now is overwhelming.
guilt? why? well, let's see.
i've convinced myself that i'm the reason he is developmentally delayed. i carried him around all the time when i should have let him walk. he was so big. and so laid back. and i just thought it would be easier for me to carry him than for him to attempt to walk.
i've convinced myself that i am such a poor divider of my time that i have spent more time with pratt than with max. and because of this, he is behind with speech. pratt has never been behind. and i'm sure it's because he was all i had to care for. and so it was easy to name every single freaking object i handed him. it was easy to do flashcards. it was easy to let him talk as much as he wanted because there was no one else around to interrupt.
i've convinced myself that it was because he was colicy. and because i was the most depressed i've ever been. and that i know i didn't take a prenatal vitamin every single day.
i've basically decided i could have prevented all this.
i know maybe that's crazy. it even sounds that way to me. and i'm not wanting you to say i'm wrong. i'm not wanting anything from anyone, really.
i guess i'm saying that mom guilt is a b. and that i've never felt it like i'm feeling it now.
worry and concern are literally eating me alive. it's all i've thought about. i worry he will never walk well. i worry he will never talk. i worry he will be made fun of. that he will not be happy. that he will struggle with everything in this life. and it's already hard enough. i worry, worry, worry.
and let me be clear. i realize that this is not a deadly illness. that he has his health and as my dad says, that's all that matters. and that's true. but i want happiness for max. i want success for him. i want everything good and warm and fuzzy all wrapped up in something awesome for him. and i'm afraid it won't come. terrified really.
my friend laura texted me:
tonight i pray that God gives you peace in knowing that He gave you the perfect boys for YOU.
i'm trying to cling to that. to claim that. i know it to be true in my heart. i know He gave me two boys that he chose for me.
i just hope i'm enough for them. because tonight, tonight i'm scared. i'm terrified of failing them. so if any of you have felt that way...or feel that way now, you're not alone. i'm right here with you.
maybe we can hold hands.
xoxo.
