update on max.

we went for max's well child check yesterday.

he's 20 months but i was behind.  so it was an 18 month check up.

all is well.  he has a few (that's a stretch) words under his itty bitty belt (33% for weight.  96% for height).  dad.  dog.  dat (pratt or cat).  he sometimes says momma.  and more.  oh, and ty ty.  and sometimes i think he says ten.  and yoda.  but that's about it.  he tries.  it just all starts with a d.  dr. stanford says that by 2 years, he should have around 20.  at that point, he might refer us to a speech pathologist.  i'm not really worried.  because i'm too tired to be worried.  not really.  mostly because i didn't fully talk until i was around 3.  scary, i know.

he is such a joy to be around.  so sweet.  so loving.  when you pick him up, he just lays his head on your shoulder and pats you.

he sleeps when he wants to sleep.  usually from 7 to 7.  sometimes he's not tired at 7.  and well, unless you want him to scream his face off, you just have to let him play.  and let him decide it's time to sleep.

he sleeps with a pacifier in his mouth.  and one in each hand.  and when he wakes in the morning he holds those three pacifiers like his life depends on them.

he goes to kdo one day a week. and his teachers love him.  which i love.  miss jamie always says he is the most lovable child.  he doesn't nap there...but they don't seem to mind.

he's walking well now.  not running.  but walking fast when he needs to.  he is learning how to step down.  he can follow instructions really well.  he understands most of what we tell him.  he just can't really respond with words.  he points and grunts and shakes his head yes and no.  he is talking his own language.  we just aren't sure what that language is yet.

this is my favorite age.  i forgot that until recently.  i love how close max wants to be.  he will walk to his bookshelf, get a book and then come back to sit in my lap.  and have me read.  he loves all the matthew van fleet books.  moo, heads, tails, the alphabet.  all of them.  his favorite bedtime books are goodnight moon and goodnight gorilla.  when he sees the mom's eyes open in the dark room, he laughs and laughs.  belly laughs.  sweet boy.

he still loves pratt more than anything else.  yoda comes in second.  it's hard to remember life before him.

not a day goes by that i don't realize how easy this life is.  and how at any minute, i could get a call that could change that.  i worry about everything.  i worry when i drop them off at kdo.  i worry when clint drives to work in the morning.  i worry about my sister at school.  about my parents.  about it all.  you name it, i've worried.  and if i haven't, i'll start as soon as i have a full grip on what it is.

this is how crazy i am.  sometimes when pratt and i talk about taking vacations "when max gets older", i worry that the time might not ever come.  that something might happen to me and i won't get to those years.  yes.  what is wrong with me?

i'm more aware of sickness and tragedy than ever before.  and it's bringing me down.

okay.  i'll stop.  here are a few pictures of max.  the child that screamed for 121 days.  who now only screams when you force him into his carseat for long rides.

oh, this first one is from the day pratt had strep.  we were at the doctors office and max wouldn't keep his hands off his brother.  so sweet.  i love these boys so much.

"i'm wikeable."

conversation as i'm cooking dinner.

p: "momma.  there is a wittle girl at school that doesn't wike me."

me: "what!?  why do you think this?"

p: "because she took a toy from me in gym today."

me: "pratt fulks.  how many toys have you taken from max?"

p: "a million."

me: "yes.  do you love him?"

p: "well, she told me she didn't wike me.  said it right at my face.  right here, momma.  got right here and said it. (he held his hand right at his nose)

me: "well, you know what you need to do? when someone says something not nice?"

p: "yes.  walk away.  just walk away."

me: "yes.  say, "i'm sorry about that." and then walk away."

p: "her name is mattie.  and you know what kills me, momma?  she told me that one night we were setting up the tent...she told me then that she wanted to be my friend.  why did she change her mind?"

me: "maybe she is just yanking your chain.  joking with you."

p: "no.  she was being serious.  it kinda hurts me.  because i fink i'm wikeable.  don't you fink, momma?"

and with that, i want to go get this mattie kid.  and make her like pratt.

it's started.  me being that mom.

i need meds.

resolutions.

that time again.

last year i didn't make any resolutions.  mostly because i don't really think i can ever keep any.  i'm the girl that can't keep a diet up for a week.  so something an entire year old makes me need to potty.

but something changed around october for me.

the book.  seven.  by jen hatmaker.

and since then, simplicity has really been on my heart.  and my mind.  and it surrounds me daily.  in and with all i do.  grocery shopping.  cleaning house.  playing with the boys.  all of it.  i'm reminded DAILY (multiple times a day) that i must learn to live simply so that others may simply live.

other things have happened this year that have caused me to take a step back and really focus on what and who is important to me.

mainly clint.  i was talking to spencer yesterday when she said the EXACT same thing as i was thinking.  and that is that i love him more than i show him.  and that i'm hard on him.  and if i were to ever lose him, i would totally and completely lose myself.  and so i need to have more patience with him.

i have this really bad habit of thinking he's semi-perfect.  i mean, sure.  i know he isn't.  but there are times when maybe i think he should just know what to do.  because you know, he's been doing it for so long.  he's dated me for 10 years.  been married for over 5.  i forget he's human.  and tired.  and works a job where only a handful of people are excited about coming in.  i forget that his days are hard too.

and so i want to try to have more patience with him.

and of course, i want to try to have more patience with the boys.

so more contentment.  more simplicity.  more patience.

and less of the i need, i want.  less of the hurried behavior.  less of the rush, rush, rush.  less of the pinterest mom.  because if we were all honest, those of us who are taking pictures posting them on instagram every.single.day of all the great things we've done for our kids...we would admit that at some point we probably missed out on something.

i say this because i know it.  i'm guilty of it.  when i'm taking pictures, trying to document time, max will have gotten in the catfood.  and eaten a handful.  and pratt will have taken acrylic paint to the outside porch furniture and made handprints all over everything.  because "you know, momma...you love my handprints!"

i want to be better.  i want these boys of mine to grow up and search the world over for someone like me.  i want them to have high standards.  i want them to love with all their hearts.  and give.  and give more.  and keep on giving.

on christmas morning, pratt ran into the living room and screamed with delight at his three presents.  and he said, "momma!  santa did it!  he really did! he brought me three whole presents!"

tears stung my eyes.  because i've tried so hard to make sure he never takes anything for granted.  of course, now that i put this on paper...we will have a meltdown soon.  and he will tell me that he wants more.  and more and more.  and i'll deserve it for putting it here.

one more thing.  clint was telling pratt just the other day a quote he read in the newspaper.  in an obituary.  a woman that had died lived by the quote, "nothing is truly yours until you've shared it." i love that.

so here's hoping 2013 is filled with love.  and happiness.  and joy.  and contentment.  simplicity.  patience.

cheers.

two things.

two things.

one.  when you tell pratt to go get shoes on for church, well....this happens.

and when your husband is from the dream hometown (ie: beebe, duh) and you know so many people from there....specifically clara fisher and brandon bates...well, this happens...

yes.  cody belew, folks.  and i didn't make a fool of myself.  i acted totally normal.  and like we were best friends.  and as it turns out, he actually does know clint.  even though it's much more fun teasing clint and acting like he doesn't.

and yes.  it was better than meeting john mayer.  because cody didn't disappoint.  and i know john would.

happy early new year.  xoxo.

my absence.

it's been so long since i've posted.

we've been busy with the holidays.  and parties.  and i've been busy with bootcamp three days a week at 5 am.  it's good for me...but forces me to go to bed around 9.  so that's where i've been.

and if i'm completely honest, i've really been struggling with my thoughts.  and my days.  and my prayers.

because of all that's happened.  mostly what happened in connecticut.

we were in eureka springs for my uncle's wedding.  i couldn't stop watching.  i knew it wasn't good for me.  but i wanted someone to come on and say it was a misunderstanding.  i will never understand violence.  but something about violence against babies....little children who do nothing but love and hug and smile....that....that is just too much for me.

my first thought was about pratt and max and my sister.  i immediately put myself in those parent's shoes.  and i immediately began to worry about my sister's safety.

my dad has always stressed the importance of this to me.  you know, putting yourself in someone else's shoes and walking around a bit.  it's a quote from atticus finch.

i do this well.  i do it with the dogs and cats i see out in the cold.  i do it with the homeless people i often see in little rock.  it doesn't take much for me.  i think i over do it.  i know i do.

the other morning on the way to school pratt asked...

"mom.  why is it that when i talk about something i love...or something that makes me really happy...my eyes water up and my nose burns."

it was all i could do not to pull over.  and hold him.  and tell him that that's how i spend 80% of my day.  with watery eyes and a burning nose.  i worry.  about everything.  all the things that i have no control over.  i worry about it all.

clint and i have had several late night conversations where i've begged him to explain certain things to me.  about God.  and prayer.  He understands the Bible much more than i do.  he knows it.  well.  i don't.  and so i often ask him what something means.  and how it's applicable to me.

he's good because, much like my daddy, he gives his interpretation but is always quick to note that others may see it differently.  that this is just his opinion.  his take on it.  whatever.

because he's one of the smartest people i know, i usually trust it.

i've been wondering about prayer a lot.  and while this may sound extremely juvenile to many of you...this is something i've really struggled with.

i believe in God.  but i believe in a sort of ant farm theory.  let me try to explain.  i think that He made us.  He created all this.  but i don't think He messes much with us.  i think we have free will and with that we do what we want.  i think He is fully and completely capable of doing something...exhibiting a miracle, etc.  but i don't think that's something He always does.

so i've struggled with prayer.  because i will often read where someone is praying that God do this or do that.  and i don't quite get that.  i think i can pray all day that He take the cancer away from someone...but i'm not convinced that he does that.  i think He could....i'm just confused on whether or not He does.  because if He does...then why does He only do it for some and not everyone?

when clint's grandmother died, the pastor made a comment about how she was such a Godly woman.  how she prayed for her husband every day while he was off to war.  and how "because of her prayers...her consistent prayers.  because she was such a prayer warrior", God answered her prayers and He sent loyd home from war safe.

it bothered clint at the time.  because what about all the other women and mothers who prayed for their husbands and sons.  all of a sudden their prayers weren't significant enough?  or maybe they weren't good enough Christians.

that's not the God i know.

and so this thought occurred to me the other night.  that maybe when we pray, it's doing two things.  one.  it allows us to feel close and feel connected to God.  because i yearn for a relationship with Him.  and prayer allows that.  it allows a relationship for me to have with him.  because what relationship works without communication?

and two.  when i pray for someone, i mostly pray that they feel the presence of God.  that they feel safe.  and loved.  and that they find contentment within their situation.  their troubles.  their time of need.

i've struggled explaining God to pratt.  he wants to see him.  and talk to him.  and so we have really had to fall back on telling him that we see Jesus when we do kind things for other people.  i keep going back to that.  because that's all i know.

i don't worry about my questions.  i'm not ashamed that i don't have the answers.  and i'm actually proud that i don't believe any one person has the answers.  because they don't.  i think that the only way to learn is to question.  and so i guess that's where i'm at.

okay.  i'll leave it here.  have a great sunday of rest.  xoxo.

the boys.

it's late.  and i need to be in the bed so that when my phone rings at 4:35 am, i can actually get up and get to yoga.

but there are so many things running through my head.

one.  pratt is really old.  i got his preschool pictures today.  and he's sitting there.  at an old desk.  with an apple on it.  and he's smiling.  and he looks so much like my dad.  and then there is the group picture.  he's opened his vest up and is smiling the biggest smile i've ever seen.

it's just too much for me to take.  because it makes me realize that life really does move too fast.  and that before long, i'll be sitting here with him in real school.  and max in preschool.  then i'll be 60.  and they will be having babies of their own.

i haven't updated much on the boys lately.

i'll start with max.

at eighteen months, he's finally walking.  like as in, he started yesterday.  he's been taking steps here and there.  but hasn't been in a hurry.  and is really so laid back and so chill that he could care less.  he's walking now and it's hysterical to watch.  we all still clap when he does it.  because it's finally happening.

he says dad.  and that's it.  i didn't even say dad at 18 months.  when i was 3, on my third birthday, there is a video of me.  i'm swinging.  and my parents ask me a question.  "hey hannah.  what are you holding?"

my response: "a a e".

as in "a baby".  einstein didn't talk until he was like old.  and my uncle ryp was like 5.  so max is cool.  totally cool.  i mean, he throws A LOT of fits.  because we don't understand his ET language...but whatever.

he hates the carseat.  bucks when i put him in it.  he loves food.  and straws.  sonic drinks through straws.  he loves pratt.  and dogs.  and cats.  and pretty much any animal he sees.  he flirts.  and laughs. and has dimples like his daddy.  he often gets behind me and rubs his chubby hands up and down on my back.  he sticks his bottom lip out when he thinks that he can manipulate the situation by acting upset.  when you start laughing, he does too.  he's scared of liza because she moves much faster than him.  she loves him.  and wants to rub on him.  one day he will learn to do what she says and they will get into lots and lots of trouble because of it.

he is so sweet. and loves to hug when he first wakes from his nap.  he rarely wakes happy though.  always hacked to be awake.  and sleeping must be his idea.  if it's not his idea, he will scream.  for hours.  with no end.

he's gonna be the musician.  i can just tell.  feel it.  i see it when a song comes on and he sways.  without anyone seeing it.  he's got that in him.  genetics.

oh, and he's a tough crowd.  doesn't smile for anyone.  you must be special.  it's been that way from day one.  but once you have him, you fully have him.  and he's loyal.

on to big brother.

pratt.  where to begin?

he talks nonstop.  asking questions nonstop.  about everyone.  he loves to rhyme.  he loves to play boardgames.  he loves to go to the dollar tree.

he's probably the smartest person i know.

honestly.  like for real.  smarter than clint.  smarter than my daddy.  maybe as smart as ryp.  he has a memory that is unlike anything i have ever seen.  he NEVER forgets anything.  big or small.  he remembers.

when he asks questions it's not just to talk...it's so he can understand something more fully.  he can do lots of stuff that is impressive.  you know, the alphabet.  count numbers.  add numbers. subtract numbers.  rhyme.  do opposites.

but it's more than that.  it's this really deep, intelligent, quiet vibe i get from him.

he is incredibly sensitive.  when i discipline him, i must remember that.  because he can and will crumble if i don't do it the right way.  he is like talking to a 20 year old.  maybe a  33 year old.  yes.  i'm serious.

he loves to roll coins.  and find old toys at my parents house.  he loves to be outside.  and go on nature walks.  he loves to hear stories about me and clint from when we were little.  he loves his grandparents and great grandparents more than they could possibly know.  not a day goes by that he doesn't mention one of them and say that he misses them.

i can't imagine my life without these two guys.  i don't know what i did before them.  i realize that everything that happened to me prior to them....it was all so that i could be their mommy.  all so that i knew answers to tough questions that pratt would ask.  so that i could name every tree in the forest.  so that we could talk about the difference between monkeys and gorillas.

i love them.  and i love my simple life with them.  i am blessed beyond measure.

dear boys.

dear boys.

tomorrow a new president will be chosen.  not really by me.  because our vote doesn't really count.  well, it does.  but not really.  i can't explain it.  ask your dad.  or pop pop.  they will both be able to explain it.  this HISTORY minor can't explain it.

i don't want to get into political parties here.  because that's just too confusing for you little guys.

i'll just say this.  first things first: be kind.

and being kind goes for everyone.  even if they don't feel the same way you do about healthcare reform or social security or welfare.

the world is full of people who look different.  act different.  talk different.  and behave differently than me and you and daddy.

it's what makes it such a great place.  it should be appreciated.  so let's do just that.

and let's agree that we will pray for whomever wins tomorrow night.

i'll also agree to delete anyone who puts up anything ignorant or racist in the days to come.  because we have no place, no room for any of that mess.

i love you both.

ps. you are never allowed to enter the world of politics.  either one of you.

xoxo,
mom.