better.

sunday morning we were sitting in church.  and i was listening to the praise band sing, "above all".  i became so choked up when they started in on the chorus.

crucified, laid behind the stone
you lived to die,
rejected and alone.
like the rose
trampled on the ground
you took the fall
and thought of me above all

my eyes were filled with tears.  i kept trying to think of funny stuff.  like all the times i've stumbled in public.  nothing worked.  i just kept crying.

at one point, clint leaned over and said something funny to me.  he was trying to help.  but i couldn't stop. and as i fumbled through my purse for a kleenex, all i could find was one of max's socks.  so i just used that.  you know how that is.  it couldn't have been that dirty.  i mean, he can't even walk yet.  and he rarely wears socks WITH shoes.  so there wasn't any 11 month old baby foot sweat on it.

i digress.

it was the imagery of him. of jesus.  living to die.  and dying alone.

we had just studied the crucifixion in sunday school.  and all i could imagine was that being my son up there.  and me not being able to do a single thing about it.  my mind wanders to that chapter in blue like jazz.  when donald is talking about what mary must have been thinking when it was happening.

i kept thinking of allllllllllllllll my many sins.  all the things i've done wrong.  big and little.

ever since then i've been trying really hard to find patience in my every day life.  i've been listening to podcasts.  mostly francis chan ones.  i've been dealing with some anger towards some people in my life and i've been trying so hard to stop the madness.  stop being upset.  stop letting it bother me so much.  and so i've found myself grabbing my bible and reading something, anything as soon as i get mad.  or upset.  or bothered.

it's working, i think.

by thursday pratt asked if i was gonna "turn on jesus".  so i did.  he listened too.  until he started asking questions.  and then i made him go watch doc mcstuffins.  but max listened.  he listened without ever interrupting.  i think he knows i need jesus.  i think he remembers the 100 days of screamfest 2011.

my brother in law said something to me at easter that i haven't forgotten.  i was trying to persuade carolina from ever getting married.  i was telling her how hard married life could be at time with kids.  i wasn't REALLY meaning that she shouldn't get married.  because let's be honest.  i love my husband more than i love anyone or anything else in this entire world.  he is the reason i am not broke, living in a box somewhere.  he is the reason i strive to be better.  he is the reason i shave my legs.  and brush my teeth.  he is IT for me.

but still.  i do want to cut him sometimes.  like when he sits in the recliner and watches tv while the ENTIRE kitchen needs to be cleaned.  and laundry needs to be folded.  and pratt's teeth need to be brushed.  and he's just sitting there.  zoned in on that darn tv.  like he has not a care in the world.

and so that's what i was talking about.  joking, really.

and tyler said, "just remember, you have two boys.  two boys that will one day be grown men. and they are watching you."

they are.  and so are other people.  and so i need to be better.

i always need to be better.

may this be my reminder.

honey.

When we pull out of our driveway, we immediately smell the honeysuckle lining the woods next to our house and across the street. It's intoxicating. And reminds me of my childhood on Peppertree. I think it lined the back fence.







Pratt thinks it's so great. And it's been a reason to nerd out and talk about pollination. And the stamen and pistil. Long live Brother Brown.

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dear max.

dear max,

yesterday my friend rachel texted me.  it said, "max's first birthday on mother's day.  i could cry."

it wasn't the first time i had realized that may 13th was your birthday AND mother's day.  i only realized it because another friend mentioned that you were being christened on mother's day.  and how special that would be.

crazy how life comes full circle.  i honestly almost lost my mind those first 100 days.  like, you screamed.  and i cried.  yet, i would do it again in a heartbeat.

you are the most laid back child i've ever met.  at 11 months, you are one hundred and twenty percent opposite what you were those first four months.  you still have your lungs on you.  you can scream like no one i've ever heard.  but you save that scream.  for times when you're starving.  or when you've had it in the car.  baby einstein has really changed all that.  but still, you can let me know when you're over something.  and much like your sugar, and your cousin liza, as soon as you're done with something...you were done with it like yesterday.

you love your brother more than anyone else.  he's started to really talk to you.  treat you like an equal.  like you're 3.  or 10.  yesterday we were headed home after kdo and he told you all about the kite i bought for him.  there were two of them.  and at first, he wanted to share.  but then he decided that "all max can do is eat.  so i'll take his kite.  he can have it when he's grown up.  when he's 6."  no worries.  we will get you a kite.  i asked him to be kind.  and remember that you were his brother.  and that he always needed to take care of you.  his idea of taking care of you meant that he would explain how the kite works.  so he did just that.

he told you about how the wind "whips it up in the air toward Jesus".  and that you had to be careful for the powerlines.  i have no idea how he knows then.  he then started telling you about the generator we have.  and how the electricity will never go out.  and how his hermit crab would never know if the power was out or not because he lives in a shell.  where it's always dark.

you were just watching him the entire time.  laughing and smiling at him.  he would randomly reach his hand out and hold your hand.  and you would giggle and laugh and lose your breath.

i can't remember life before you, max.  it seems that we must have just been "playing" house before you came along.  maybe that was God's way of letting me practice.  because it couldn't have been complete without you.

i love how friendly you are.  i love how determined you are.  i love your chubby wrists.  and the way your eyes squint together when you smile.  i love how excited you get when you see a bottle.  you remind me so much of what your daddy must have been like as a baby.

i am honored to be your mommy.  and i so look forward to my life as a mom of two boys.  i'm blessed beyond my wildest dreams.

xoxo, mommy.

prayer request.

as sick as my kiddos have been, i've never experienced what my friend dannis is experiencing.

please please please say a prayer for them.  please.

here is her post.

Whoopi.

As Pratt rounded the stairs this morning when he woke, max looked at him and screamed, "whoopi"!!!

I don't even know. But Pratt and I both died laughing. And so did Max.

So all morning I've been calling Pratt, Whoopi. I'm gonna make it stick.




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p90x

first, i'd like to say thank you for your comments and messages in regards to my workout journey.  i really can't explain what it feels like to have almost completed 90 days of something.

several of you asked how i found the time. i'm glad you did :)

it varies.  some mornings i wake around 5 and workout.  most of the workouts in p90x are around 50 to 60 minutes long.  i'll be honest.  i don't ever do the stretching at the end.  so that usually takes around 5 to 7 minutes off the total time.

on the mornings i get up at 5, i find i feel best on those days.  i eat healthy meals.  i don't crave sweets and sugar.  at first, around 3 i would be exhausted.  but once i started really sticking with it, i wasn't tired.  however, i do have to go to sleep by 10 if i'm gonna wake at 5.

monday and wednesday, pratt goes to mothers day out.  from 9 to 2.  max takes his first nap around 9.  and it's usually an hour to an hour and a half.  so i work out when he's napping at 9.  i TRY to do it then because it's so easy.  this does mean that by the time i'm either getting in the shower or about to get ready, he's up.  and ready to play.  so we have been doing a LOT of playing on the bathroom floor.  we do a TON of peek-a-boo from the shower.  he eats lots and lots of cheetos while i shower and blow dry my hair.  but you moms understand that.  multitasking.  it goes hand in hand with motherhood.  or as my friend rachel says, "smotherhood".  amen.

and finally, more days than not, pratt and i do our "exercises" together.  he loves it.  he loves tony horton.  he loves my weights.  he loves drinking the water.  he loves jumping up and down.

but he most loves asking me a million and ten questions when i'm about to die and i'm out of breathe and sweating profusely.  that's what he really loves to do.  and sometimes he will walk to the pantry, get a bag of chips or little debbie nutty bar and bring it into the living room WHILE i'm working out and proceed to eat it while doing his "exercises".

so yes, it's not an ideal workout situation.  i'm often interrupted to get max.  or help pratt wipe.  or whatever else you can imagine.  but it works.  and i'm "doing my best and forgetting the rest".  so that's winning in my book.

to answer one of the questions, yes.  i started from nothing.  i had tried p90x before, but had never stuck with anything.  well, i did workout with my friend whitney after she had her baby like a million years ago.  but i had not done anything consistently since then.

as silly as it sounds, i talked to clint about it.  like, really opened up to him about it.  told him things that i hadn't talked about before.  about how i hated my legs.  and how i had fat, saggy knees.  how i was the most self conscious i had ever been.  and i won't go into much detail, but it was really affecting mine and his relationship.  i was uncomfortable with myself.  and he didn't understand why.  there was a HUGE lack of communication.

i want to stress that i'm happy how i am.  i still have work that needs to be done.  but i'm not through.  i'm 32.  and i've had 2 children.  and so my stomach will probably always have a little loose skin on it.  but there are abs there.  i never knew they were still there.  you won't ever catch me on facebook in a bikini.  or in booty shorts.  because this is my body.  not yours.  and so my weight and my results look different on me.

as i said before, i dropped 2 sizes.  here are my measurements from day 0, day 30 and day 60.

weight: 132/129/126
waist: 32/30/29
hips: 36/35/34
chest: 35/33/32
right arm and left arm: 11/10.5/10
right thigh: 20.5/19/19.5
left thigh: 21/20/19.5

that's over 18 inches, i think.

aside from working out, i did do shakeology for the first 30 days.  and still, every once in a while, i'll add it to oatmeal and eat it.  but i'm not really a fan of it.  mostly because it gets old.  quick.  but i think it's great.  and i wish i could force myself to eat it daily.  i just can't.  oh well.

i hear max stirring.  i hope this helps.  and i hope it motivates at least one person to get up and do something.  i cannot tell you how unhappy i was.  i dreaded summer.  i dreaded swimsuits.  i mean, i'm not looking forward to finding a bathing suit for the bahamas or anything...BUT, i won't cry in the dressing room.  and i'm definitely not gonna be rocking jeans all summer long.  which is what i did last summer.  hot, hot, hot.

have great mondays.


i

your dollar and your love.

as i was putting pratt to bed just now he reminded me to give him a dollar for sunday school tomorrow.  i told him that i would remember.

i said, "oh yeah.  for the plate that your teachers pass around."

pratt: "it's not a plate.  it's a basket.  and it's big.  cause there are a wot of kids in there."

me: "yes.  a basket so that you can each put your dollar in.  i'll remember."

pratt: "our dollar and our love.  you don't JUST put money, mom.  you also put your love in there.  and if you don't have dollars, that's okay.  you can put quarters.  and dimes.  and pennies too.  God loves it all."

have i mentioned that sunday school is maybe the most important of all the schools?!?!