dear boys.

dear boys,

i have said so often that i'm so glad you two are boys.  because i couldn't raise a girl.  life sometimes seems too hard for girls.  i only feel this way because i know how hard certain situations have been for me.  as a female.  unfortunately i know you will go through other things...difficult things.  but we'll cross those bridges when we get there.

i can't speak for males, as i'm not sure they go through the same issues.

let me try to catch you up.

for as long as i can remember, i've been critical of myself.  of the way i look.  i've been insecure.  and i've constantly compared myself to other girls.  who are always prettier than me.

i hope you are rolling your eyes.  and thinking, "man.  sooooo glad i'm not like that."

your daddy isn't like that.  so i hope you get it from him.  i hope that you never shy away from a mirror.  that you never hesitate to see a picture taken of yourself because you worry about how you will look.

i do this a lot.  it's embarrassing to write all this out because i feel like it proves just how weak i am.  and i don't want you to see me as weak.

but i feel like before the two of you grow up and move away...at some point you will see this side of me.  so it's better i put it all out there now.

yesterday, i had a pretty bad day.  i was in a funk.  and couldn't get out.  it started when i went to the gym and the machine wouldn't read my fingerprint.  therefore, i couldn't get in to workout.  not really a big deal...i know.  but it just set off a chain of events and things just went south.

i got back home and went upstairs.  to mine and daddy's room.  you both were napping.  i collapsed in the chair.  crying.  sobbing.

clint came up and asked what was wrong.

i didn't really even know how to verbally communicate what was wrong.

everything was wrong.  i was wrong.  life was wrong.  all of it was wrong.

but in a sentence, it was, "i hate myself." or maybe "i hate the person that i have become."

something like that.

as i was trying so hard to communicate to dad what was causing me to flip out and cry and question EVERYTHING (literally, everything) about myself, i said, "i'm so embarrassed.  i'm so sorry that i'm doing this.  but i can't seem to get outside of myself.  and i can't seem to stop it. i feel like i'm having a nervous breakdown."

it was as if i was standing above us, looking down and i realized how silly i was being.  but at the same time, it wasn't silly at all.  it was very real.

as a bit of comic relief, allow me to reference a tv show. everybody loves raymond. it's not on anymore, but when it was, it was one of our favorites.

your daddy really is a lot like raymond...and i'm a lot like debra.  there is this scene where debra is flipping out.  she's upset and screaming and crying.  and raymond is standing there looking at her.  watching her in horror.  like he cannot believe he's married to this crazy lunatic.  the conversation goes like this.

debra: have you ever considered giving me a hug?


ray: a hug!?


debra: yes! a hug! did you ever think of that, you big jerk?


ray: well, it's pretty hard to hug someone who's trying to kill you.


debra: how would you know? you've never even tried it!!!


ray: well, look, *this* is not huggable! *this* is not debra! this is the woman who shows up once a month to tear into me like a monkey on a cupcake!

this could seriously be our conversation.

only yesterday was different.  yesterday, your daddy said, "hannah, can i hug you?"

there are so many wonderful things about it.

and as crazy as it sounds, it made all the difference in the world.  he went on to reassure me and basically  deny all the other things i said about myself.

i apologized to him this morning.  about crying.  because i know he worries about me.  and about my happiness.

and he emailed me back.  and it said,


No problem. I just want you to know how much I love you. And when my imperfect love fails, you have a father/creator who loves you perfectly, just the way you are. He told me so yesterday while I was running. 

i say all that to say this, 


1. your daddy is the best daddy/husband in the whole entire world.  he is PERFECT for me.  and for you.  and for our family.  


2. when your wife is crying and saying crazy things, just reach down and hug her.  even if she seems unhuggable.  i promise that it's the right thing to do.  


and most importantly,


3. sometimes your love for someone else won't be enough.  but God's love always is.  it is always sufficient.  and it's never silly to remind someone you love of that.  because we all forget.  


i love you two.  so does your creator.  He loves you just.the.way.you.are.


xoxo, mommy.

paying it forward.

yesterday i was pushing our cart out to the car from being in walmart.  pratt was riding.  i had max in the bjorn.  and i was pushing a ton of groceries.  i was tired.  imagine that.

i didn't notice, but a woman was behind us.  she actually pushed her buggy up right next to mine as i was unloading the cart into the back of the van.  she spoke and asked me if she could take my cart back to the stall for me.  i told her thank you so much, but that it was okay.  i would do it.  i didn't want her to have to wait on me.  she was done and i was just getting max buckled in.

i walked back around to get pratt out, and as i was carrying him to his seat, i saw her take my cart and wheel it all the way back to the stall.  pratt saw it too as both van doors were slid back.  he immediately looked up at me and smiled and said, "wook mom.  that lady is putting our buggy up.  that makes God so happy, doesn't it?"

after i thanked her several times, i got in the car.  tears filled my eyes.  i don't know why.

maybe because it was such a kind gesture.  unless you routinely carry two kids around, shopping, being patient, trying to be kind and not go all "walmart" on them in the walmarts...well, it's work.  and it's sometimes really exhausting.  and so for someone to come up and do something so nice, and not expect anything in return...it's so refreshing.

as we drove off, pratt and i talked about how it made us feel.  i wanted him to understand that not only does it make God happy...but it made her happy too.  and it made us happy also.  so it was a win-win-win.

we talked about "passing it on", "paying it forward", etc the entire way home.

later last night when he was getting in the shower, pratt grabbed my pajama pants that were on the floor along with his clothes.  i asked what he was doing.  and his reply was simple, "i'm putting your pants up too.  in the dirty clothes.  i'm paying it forward, mom. i'm making us all happy."

if he only knew how happy he makes me.  now if i could just be a good parent for him.  because some days it's so hard.  other days it's so easy.

i guess it all evens out in the wash.

at least...i hope so.

twick or tweat!

i've never been a big halloween person.  i don't like scary things.

and to say that i don't like masks is the understatement of the year.  i despise masks.  i abhor them.  i refuse to walk down the costume aisle at walmart or target because i don't want to see any of them hanging on their hooks looking at me.  watching me as i move.  knowing my innermost thoughts.

it's all paxton's fault.  he lived next door.  and one halloween he snuck over to scare us.

my parent's house has 21 windows on the front.  yes.  21.  that's a lot of windows.  21 windows for someone to watch me from.  and paxton just stood on the front porch looking in. most likely laughing...but i couldn't see it.  because the mask covered his entire face.  ugh ugh ugh.

i was about 6.  and it has ruined me for life.

anywho.  never been a big fan.  but after yesterday, i can tell, i'm soon gonna love it.

because this little guy did...




he was a giraffe for school trick or treating.  and his halloween party.  which he loved.  who doesn't love a good party!?




and then...then a cowboy.  the CUTEST cowboy in saline county, might i add.  and trust me, there are a TON of those.  but he really is the cutest. he loved trick or treating with friends.  max was a horse.  but he was napping at the time of this picture.  and we all know, you never wake a sleeping baby.  NEVER. EVER EVER EVER.




then last night after we got home, we put all our candy on the floor.  pratt chose 12 pieces he wanted to keep.  out of the 100 pieces he had.  seriously.  wayyyy too much.  and we put the rest of it in a bag for halle the halloween fairy.

have you heard of her?  we hadn't until yesterday.  miss laura told us that halle comes to her house to see her girls.  so katie told pratt the story.  apparently you chose a certain number of pieces of candy you want to keep.  pratt's number was 12.  then the rest of the candy is left for halle to take to little kids that weren't able to get a costume to trick or treat in.  or maybe didn't have a safe enough neighborhood.  so the candy is taken to them.  and they too, get to enjoy halloween.  and all the cavity bugs that come with it :)  we all know that we don't need ANY more cavity bugs around here.

all in all, it was a wonderful halloween.  with only a few scares from masks.  ha.

spook city.

A "b.raffe" (giraffe). A cow. And a spider.

And the worlds best dad who carried the horse around all night and never ever ever complained. (the horse would have complained if he could only talk ;)




Adorable kids! They loved spook city!

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

boys.

here are a few pictures of the boys.  i hate that i'm not getting as many "real" pictures of them these days.  my phone is always with me.  and i need a new camera.  the one i have is not really all that great.

wait. i retract that statement.  i WANT a new camera.  i don't NEED anything.  i have everything i could ever NEED.

i'm working on this...maybe by the time i'm 100, i'll be content.  hopefully it will be before then.

ps. it's so nutso crazy how max's eyes are totally blue.  and pratt's eyes are totally brown.  genetics.  i never did understand anything past that guy and his peas.  or was it string beans?  i can't remember.  i just know that my undergrad genetics professor was from the dark side.  and she deserved having those blinds all tied up.  but i have NO idea who did that.  nope. none.  no idea.

okay. i'm done.

angel.

today max took a loooong morning nap.  like from 820 until 11.  so pratt and i had time to really play.

so we made bats.  we had seen them at his school.  and i had seen them on pinterest.  so we made them.  he loved it.

i cut them out.  and he hung them.

he was so happy.  he literally loved it.

maybe it being with me.  just the two of us.  i think that's it.  but idk.  it could be lots of things.

he said something that i don't want to forget.  he said, "mom, i'm gonna be really good.  i'm gonna do good now.  i won't ever hit or kick.  or be mean to anyone ever again.  i'm gonna try really hard, mom."

it was the most innocent statement i have ever heard from him.  maybe ever heard from anyone.

i think these things quite often.  but i'm too adult to admit them.  they are my own little thoughts.

but not pratt.  he just flat out told me about it.  how he was gonna try so hard.

i just grabbed him and hugged him.  and told him that i loved that idea.

may i never forget how precious he is.

my little baby.

i love making max's baby food.

like, i've often wondered how much trouble i'd get in for making it in my kitchen and selling it to people.  i know, i know.  big trouble.  but i almost love it that much.

i've already made a list of things to buy for liza kate.  and baby ain't even here yet.

anywho.

so far, i've made edamame.  butternut squash.  carrots.  cauliflower.  broccoli.  green peas.  applesauce.  squash.  sometimes i open the door to the freezer and look in on them.  and smile.  and i'm proud.

maybe i'm overcompensating for HATING nursing.  and only doing it for what...like 2 weeks?  3?  i can't remember.  i just remember crying every single time.  and then when i would stop crying i'd get a message from some weirdo freak that wanted to tell me how horrible i was for not loving every second.

yes.  i'm serious.  like, more than 3.  crazies.

anyway.  back to the food.  i love making it.  and pratt can help.  and max sits in his pretty pink bumbo and just looks on drooling.

but i'm having some problems.  my bananas are never right.  i can't get it the right consistency.  do you have suggestions?  have you had this problem?  what am i doing wrong?

max is good.  he loves the food.  and he takes around 24 to 30 ounces of soy formula every day.  with a fruit in the morning.  and a veggie at lunch.  and both mixed at dinner.

he's in a size 4 diaper.  and 12 month clothes.  he wore a shirt today that was 18 months.  and it might have been a little big.  but not by much.  and it hasn't been washed yet.  so it's probably gonna be perfect once it's washed.

he sits up supported.  but not on his own.

i told clint last night that he's like my own little secret.  no one really knows how great he is.  i think everyone is still afraid he might start screaming at any minute.

but he won't.  at least, he's not going to for me.  he really knows me.  and i love that.  i can catch his eye from across the room and he just beams at me.  it's the stuff dreams are made of.  i love him so much.  and as much as possible, he loves me too.

i'm at that place when i've (almost) forgotten how hard those first few months were.  last night as i was rocking him, i started crying thinking about how unhappy i was.  life was so hard.  a see saw of sorts.  because i knew i was blessed.  he was healthy.  and we were all fine.  but i was at a very dark place.  and i felt guilty for being there.

yet, i had ZERO control over being there.  i couldn't get myself out.  it just took time.  i'm finally out and it feels so good.

but max, he's wonderful.  perfect.  sweet and lovely.  and all things good.  and we are at a place where i feel i can talk him down.  and that's a really, really good place.