tomorrow.

tomorrow i go to the doctor. at 215. for an ultrasound and bloodwork.

but i don't need either. yesterday and today have proven what i was told 2 weeks ago.

this is a miscarriage. a blighted ovum, i think. at least, what google has told me.

i think my doctor is going to tell me that i can take the medicine to speed up the process of my body releasing everything....or i can wait. wait for it to do it on it's own. yet another reason i believe in God. because this body didn't just happen. i've had gross anatomy. i know what all has to happen for me to breathe. it didn't just happen with a bang. whatever.

anyway. i'm holding on to the fact that i don't think there was ever really a baby. that for whatever reason, be it a chromosomal abnormality, or whatever else...a baby never really formed. just a gestational sac.

for some reason that's easier for me. because as i see what's left, it's way too hard for me to think that that's my baby. that that's pratt's sister. or brother. or best friend.

and so i'm praying that that's what dr. s will tell me tomorrow.

let me stop and say that if you're in the central arkansas area, and you are looking for a new doctor, please message me for the name of mine. the man has checked on me twice since my last appointment two weeks ago. he left a message while we were in florida last week. asking how i was doing. and then he called last night around 6. just checking. my husband calls patients. when they've had anything surgical done. or root canal-ish. i don't know if he'd consider that surgical. anyway, i always thought it was so sweet of clint. to check on them. let them know he was thinking about them. it's not easy. it's taking time away from pratt and me. and dinner or running. and so i know what it means to have him call me.

i've just been walking around acting like a human being since i got back on saturday night. playing the part. but not feeling anything. nothing.

reality hit me sunday morning. and it wasn't pretty. i felt overwhelmed. and lonely.

while gone, i had really started to believe that i was okay. that they were wrong. and that this baby would be okay. but something about sunday changed that for me. sort of, sunday morning coming down. i don't know.

no matter where i am, how upset i am, i've always been able to see that there are always worse situations (thanks dad :). it could always be worse. i have said that a million times over the past two weeks. and to be honest, it's been more of a chant, than a real belief. i mean, i know it could be worse. but i think you'd have to lock me up somewhere if it really was.

and so tonight, when i saw sarah bussey's post about how it's almost been a year since she lost mamie, i realized that yes...it could always be worse.

she's having a first birthday party. and that makes total and complete sense to me. just like it makes sense to me that one of my dearest friends held on to the positive pregnancy test for months after her miscarriage.

i have a cotton ball. upstairs. in my bathroom drawer. with tape on it. it's from my first appointment. from lab work. and that night, when i was taking it off, i saved it. because in the back of my mind, i knew that if something was wrong...then i'd never have anything else to prove that at one time....at one time i WAS pregnant, damn it. that in january, i should have a tiny baby in my arms.

but i won't.

and so i'll hold on to the old cotton ball as long as i need to. maybe i'll throw it away when i feel like i've truly had some closure. maybe i won't. i don't know.

but it's like my friend allie said, you don't have a funeral. you don't have a memorial. you don't have anything. you lose something. you lose a child, and that's that. that's it. it's over just like that.

so sorry to be debbie downer. i know i'll be okay. it's just going to take some time. please keep me in your prayers.

dear pratt.

dear pratt,

learn this now: i'm a total softie for a sweet message. text. note. post it. etc.

doesn't matter. they make me melt. and i hold on to them. and keep them in my box.

the oldest letter is from your pop pop. about cookie. it was written to his parents. when he was in college. it's actually written on sigma chi stationary. which makes it all the better.

it's a letter about how he bought cookie her engagement ring. it describes the ring in detail and then goes on to tell how much she loves it. it's written to his entire family, but i'd bet mostly to granny, his mom. it's just a simple letter updating his family on how everything is going at school. back then there were no cell phones. unfortunately nowadays, text messages are used for things like that. communication is via text and it's just not the same. but i won't get on that soapbox today. maybe later.

anyway, i love that letter because it gives me such a glimpse into my dad's life before i ever existed. before i was ever even a thought in their minds. and i like seeing what they were doing. how they were thinking. what was important. etc.

having said that, i feel like maybe i should tell you more about what your dad and i do in our day to day lives.

and i have the most perfect example from this past week. see, the girls went down to the beach early. and the guys came down a few days later. you were a lucky guy and got to go with us..early. on tuesday night, your daddy and i were texting before bed.

i couldn't call him because you and i were sleeping in the same room. so i had to text him good night. so that's what i did. i told him that i loved him. and that i couldn't wait to see him that next morning. he wrote back...

love you too. i feel like my whole life has been in florida for the past 3 days. i can't wait to see you and pratt.

i think it was the best compliment i've ever received. your daddy gives you such a gift simply by loving me as much as he does. we are so lucky to have him. never forget that. never forget how much he loves you and me both.

hugs and kisses,
mommy.

21 months.

what a fantastic number. 21. seven times three. and three, of course...is the best.

back on track. somehow, pratt turned 21 months old yesterday. three months shy of his 2nd birthday.

i missed my 20 month update, so i apologize now for the length of this one.

let's see. he's so funny. he gets humor. like our adult humor. me and his dad. sometimes when we say something silly or funny, he will drop his head down and shake it from side to side. all with this little grin on his face. like he's thinking, "great. this is what i have to deal with for 17 more years..."

he is the strangest eater i know. clint said it best this past week in destin when he said that he has an acquired taste for more natural/fresh foods. the kid, if allowed, would live on fruit alone. and olives. and cashews. and avocados. he loves oatmeal in the mornings. we buy the fruit pack. and he goes through the box, "srawberry, bueberry, nana, peeesh". and decides on one. i let him dump it in a bowl, then stir in the warm milk. it's a morning routine.

he likes chicken spaghetti. and rice. fried or white. bananas smeared with peanut butter. popcorn.

i think he's this way because of the foods he has been exposed to. i loved every single minute of making my own babyfood. is it for everyone? no. if i had had a job, i wouldn't have been able to do it. but i loved it. it made me happy. and in turn, he got lots and lots and LOTS of fruits and vegetables. fresh ones.

i gag when i open the baby food containers. it's one of my many problems. all i can do is sit there and look at that food. all stuffed in there. and i swear that i actually see the preservatives. yes, i really do. all the chemicals that must be put in there so that it can sit on the shelf for two years. ugh. (now...if you'll open it for me, microwave it, and then put some salt and pepper on it, i'm good. i'll eat it up. but there's something about doing it yourself. seeing the way the top makes an indention on the gelled food. ugh. i'm going to throw up thinking about it.)

so he's never had spaghetti o's. or ravioli. or any of those gerber toddler meals. and i guess i'm now living with those consequences because the kid won't eat any of that. i ordered him spaghetti o's in florida at fudpuckers. who doesn't love them, right? pratt doesn't. wouldn't touch it. even with the dinosaur on his spoon. oh well. it could always be worse...

he will sometimes eat chicken fingers, but prefers that it be grilled. hot dogs are a maybe. depending on how hungry he is. the love of french fries is found in his blood. so he could eat his weight in mcdonalds fries. they are the best. oh, and candy. he loves candy. and would probably give up his b for a few pez...

he knows his shapes and his numbers. we were on the elevator with him this past week when he started looking up at the number display and going, "two. free. four. five!" i had never even thought to really quiz him on number. i knew he knew his shapes. he has for quite some time. but numbers seemed harder. i don't know why. on our way to eat one night, i started writing down the numbers. asking if he knew them. yes. he did. 2 through 9. he calls 1, two. and 10, is for some reason 0. oh, and sometimes 9 is p. so, so funny.

we have some amazing dvds that i know are responsible for him knowing his. meet the shapes. meet the numbers. by preschool prep. there are several others, but those are the only two we have. all of this just reiterates that exposure is everything for kids.

he is able to walk up steps without using his hands or needing help. i watched him climb up the front porch steps yesterday. he held his little hands out, sort of bent over and very carefully stepped up. oh so careful to not need to use his hands.

he's becoming so independent. he always wants to hold whatever he's eating. he makes a total mess with jello. so i always try to get him to let me hold the jello and hand him bites. nope. doesn't work. he will point to the spot right in front of him. and say, "here. here." like, put it here mom. geez. he doesn't want anything taken away from him. stacy told me that one day she watched some little girl take his b at kids day out. he flipped. saw it happen and ran over to her, ripped it from her hands. painful.

he likes to draw. sometimes left handed. sometimes right. loves to have his hand traced. nana taught him this. and he seriously flips out if you won't oblige. he loves play doh and helping me make cookies/cakes/dinner/etc. he loves playing outside. he loves coleman harris and seriously wishes they were brothers. if pratt could talk, i know that's what he would say.

he repeats everything he hears. often i have to ask for a repeat on something. usually i can figure it out. or i'll ask him to show me, point to it. he does this well.

he has started saying, "huh?" which drives me up the wall. he gets it from his dad and i swear it's the worst thing ever. we are trying to teach him to say m'am or sir. he'll say it. but usually only when prompted.

he's a really good walgreens shopper. if we walk in to get a few things and i don't have to use the buggy, he's a good helper. as long as he has a task at hand. if he's free to roam, it's dangerous. but if i give him something to carry, he's golden.

he's super friendly. to a point that's probably dangerous. he really will speak to anyone. waves, smiles. blows kisses. men and women alike. doesn't matter.

he loves to go potty in his potty and the big potty. we went to applebee's for sheila's birthday party and he told me he needed to go. "i pee" is what he said. so off we went. he did it, i praised him and he couldn't get out of the bathroom fast enough. he ran the entire way back to the table, yelling, "i pee! i pee!". everyone in applebees knew he had tinkled in the potty.

he has a memory like an elephant. whatever he watches someone else do, he wants to do it too.

he is the absolute joy of my life. and i know that God has used him to mend my heart this past week. one night on the way home from dinner, we were all in spencer's car. i was sitting by pratt. next to his carseat. he looped his arm through mine and started kissing me. asking for "more". more kisses. he held my hand the entire way back to the condo. it was like he knew i needed it.

i never knew i could love anyone like i love him. here are a few pictures from this past week that capture his personality...

happy 21 months little guy. we sure do love you.

thank you.

i cannot even begin to thank all of you for your comments, emails, text messages and facebook messages.

this is the first time i've been able to get on an actual computer. i've had my phone with internet, but it's hard to write long emails back from it.

i have so much to say to so many of you. knowing you are praying for me has been so comforting to my soul. i have felt the prayers. all of them. the beach is beautiful. and pratt is having a wonderful time.

it's all very bittersweet. watching him play in the water and build sandcastles warms my heart. but then...there is that part of me that wishes he had a sibling on the way so he isn't alone next summer doing the same thing. silly? maybe. but true.

again, thank you to all of you. i have never felt so loved. seriously, i really haven't.

i don't know what i did to deserve such wonderful friends, but i'm blessed to have all of you.

i'll leave you with a picture of my favorite little guy...

it's 3 am, i must be lonely.

it's around 330. and i can't sleep. i've woken up several times throughout the night, but this time i couldn't will myself back to sleep. so i got up.

we got some bad news yesterday morning.

let me start at the beginning.

tuesday i had my first ultrasound. i was pretty excited about seeing the baby. clint didn't get to go with me, but i wasn't really bothered by it. i never dreamed something would be wrong.

as the picture came up on the screen, all the ultrasound tech saw was the gestational sac. no fetal pole. which, to my limited knowledge, is the baby.

she immediately made a comment about how she didn't see the fetal pole, but it was probably because i was just early. i probably had my dates wrong. my LMP probably really wasn't april 20th. no big deal, she said. we'd try it again in a few weeks.

as i waited in the waiting room to see the doctor, i heard her walk out and tell him.

dr. s, we have a first time OB patient who is here now. i saw a gestational sac, but no fetal pole. she's waiting on you. i just wanted to inform you before you saw her.

all the air left my body. i knew then and there that something was bad wrong. i knew with certainty when my LMP was. heck, i even knew the day i ovulated (well, within 24 hours) and i was pretty sure of the day i got pregnant. i had implantation bleeding too. so i knew there was something weird.

the nurse came in and asked me all these questions again. was there any way i could be wrong? or off a few days? or maybe i had forgotten?

no, no, no.

my wonderful doctor came in. talked to me. told me he saw this alot. thought i was early. like probably 5 weeks. and that he wanted to reschedule me for 2 weeks. do it all again. i asked him if i needed to worry. if i were your wife, what would you say to me?

he told me that he of course had no way of knowing, but that he was fairly certain i was fine. asked about pregnancy symptoms. i had a few. i had never been sick with pratt. not one time. and i hadn't been sick this time. i was sore in areas. tired. but that's about it.

well, hannah...there is one thing...

and i jumped on it. yes, yes, i want lab work. he laughed at me because i had googled it already. in the five minutes i had waited. i wanted my hcg levels. so he agreed. took me to the lab. waited with me.

i tried so hard not to cry. i didn't want to be that crazy girl that is alone and can't stop crying.

the plan was to give blood tuesday and then again 48 hours later. in that period of time, my hcg levels should double. at least.

yesterday, he called to tell me that they had not. they had gone from 9000 to 11000. and he didn't know why. he just knew it wasn't what he wanted to see. he said with numbers that high, he should have seen a fetal pole.

he asked if there had been any change. had i started bleeding? cramping? anything?

no, no, no.

i asked if i should expect it soon. he didn't know. maybe, maybe not. some people don't bleed.

he told me that he wanted me to keep my 2 week appointment. and we'd do another ultrasound to make sure there was no fetal pole evident, and then we'd go from there. he said when i came in, we'd try to figure out what went wrong. he'd review my lab results and go from there.

so that brings me to this moment. this moment when my heart is torn into pieces. when i just want to scream and yell and cry.

i can't admit this out loud. or to clint. or to anyone, i guess. but there is this small part of me that knows God works miracles. and that if he wants to save this baby, He certainly can.

but then there's the human side of me that gets science. that understands lab results. and numbers. and that side knows this has been a miscarriage.

and it's like there is this internal battle. i show no signs of miscarriage. well, no physical signs. but it's there. on her screen. no baby. no fetal pole. no little bitty bean.

i told pratt that i had a baby in my belly right after we found out. he didn't forget. he doesn't forget anything. and so yesterday, he pulled up his shirt and pointed at his belly and said, "baby!". then he wanted to pull mine up and tell me the same thing. "baby!". i let him. i didn't correct him. didn't fix it. didn't try to explain that there was no baby there.

sure, he wouldn't have understood, but it's more that i just couldn't bring myself to do it. couldn't bring myself to say it.

i never knew i could love someone so much. someone i never even met.

and last night, last night i figured out why this hurt so much.

it's because i didn't just see this baby as a baby. as a small, tiny baby.

i saw her like i see pratt. as a toddler. a one and a half year old sweet baby. one that gives the best, biggest and tightest hugs. one that kisses you right on the lips. a child that laughs. and sits with her dad to watch tv.

and so it's like i've lost pratt. or his sister. or brother. i lost this child. this teenager. this adult.

and that's why my heart breaks. because i have no control over this. and i can't do a damn thing about it. i just have to sit here. and wait to bleed. or to cramp. wait for this to be over. for me to stop hoping and praying and wishing that God would intervene.

my friend stacy said something that i keep repeating over and over and over again. and that is this.

that God created that baby. and He loved her so much that He couldn't stand to part with her. so He is keeping her with Him.

and so if this is true. if there's a heaven, then my sweet baby is dancing with joyce. and playing with mama kitty. and she's met my mimi and poppy. and granny and marvin. and clint's childhood friend scrap. and she's probably being rocked by mamaw fulks.

and as crazy as that sounds, i find comfort in that. would i rather have her here? yes. absolutely. but i'm selfish. and human.

if you've never been through this, and you're rolling your eyes at me. and thinking i'm overreacting, it's okay. because i've been there. i hurt for so many friends who went through this...but i never in a million years could have dreamed that it was this hard. this lonely.

as with anything, until you walk in those shoes, you have no room to judge.

so to all of you out there who know what i'm feeling, i'm sorry. i know now what this feels like. and i'm sorry i wasn't a better friend at the time...

please keep our small family in your prayers. i know that clint is hurting too. he lost a baby just like i did. and while he doesn't have to deal with the physical changes, his heart is breaking just like mine.

no one told me...

if i could, i'd totally spend my days at the local high school telling young girls about what happens to your body when you get pregnant and have a baby.

like. hemorrhoids. and stretch marks. and that dark hairy line that takes forever to go away.

and how your milk will for sure leak when you least expect it. like in the line at kroger when you hear another baby cry.

or maybe about having to spank your almost 2 year old in the library parking lot because he keeps going stiff on you.

or getting fecal matter stuck under your fingernails.

or maybe...maybe about how when you want nothing more than to go to the bathroom. like, really go to the bathroom, you know, the one that requires you to take all your clothes off...wait, wait a minute. you don't strip down? oh...well, whatever.

anyway, no one ever told me that i would never go potty alone again. that from the time my child could walk, he'd be sticking his head in saying hi or asking to blow his nose on the toilet paper. or wanting to flush for me. or play in the trash. etc. etc. etc.

well, the other day, he was all up in my business. and so i begged him to just please go in my room and play. watch ddddora. or maybe pull yoda's tail. or crawl under the bed and dust the hardwoods with his belly.

like, i didn't care. i just wanted five minutes.

well, i got my five minutes....

and then i got fifteen more minutes of wiping up the baby powder. yes, baby powder. wiping it up from the cracks in the wood floor. ugh.

and then i got twenty minutes of rainbowing the baby powder.

and then ten more of orange glo-ing the baby powder. because apparently baby powder is greasy. who knew?

this is the face i walked out to...

dear pratt.

dear pratt,

sometimes, quite randomly, you will lean over and rub my arm with your hand. or maybe my face. you even twist my hair around your fingers when i'm holding you. we could be at the grocery store. or at home. it doesn't matter really. it's more of just something you do. without thinking about it, i'm sure.

the other day when we were on the lake with jill, you reached over and held my hand. interlocked your fingers in mine and sat as close to me as you could.

you don't know it now, but something happens when you show those random acts of kindness. a piece of my heart truly explodes. and i feel like all is right with the world. i'm no longer worried about the kitchen. or the laundry. or if we have anything thawed for dinner.

and unlike any other time in my life, i wish we had a flux capacitor. so that i could stop time. and just sit there with you. in that moment.

and btw, i'm not sure what a flux capacitor is. i know it's from a great movie that dad will show you one day, but it's such a fancy name...i'm sure it could and would stop time if only i asked the doc.

anyway...i just wanted to say thank you. i've needed your love more than ever before these past few days. and it's like you knew that. so thank you. thank you so much little guy.

i love you, mommy.