first step.

i figured out what's so hard about my new job.

it's that every single thing i do, involves a selflessness that i've rarely had to put forth before now.

getting a pedicure, going to the grocery with no list, exercising whenever i feel like it, eating out with friends, going to a movie...

the list could go on and on. i think what's hard for me is that i'm the only one who really has to think about what to do with pratt for any of those things to happen.

i can't really take him to get a pedicure. i can't go to the grocery store and just have 2 hours to spare...mindless wandering up each and every aisle. i can't exercise at 6 am without figuring out what to do with him. i can't just go eat out without thinking of who can keep him.

it's that for the first time in my life, i've had to make changes in my life, alone. yes, there are other people in my life...but i'm the only one who is really aware of what all this means. just me.

this may seem really selfish. and it is. i won't deny that. and i guess that's what makes this so difficult for me.

this has all reminded me of something so much bigger than myself.

Jesus. and His selflessness.

He makes it look easy. and again...as so often it happens, i'm reminded of His gift to me and how i fail so often to change my life. and i let Him be the one who makes the sacrifice. and i stay in my comfort zone. and wait on another opportunity. wait on something easier to come along.

i let Him do it without me. i let Him do it alone.

sounds so familiar.

of course, i'll get through it. it's just something i realized. and need to admit it. because admittance is the first step...right?

hiccups.

this is a video of pratt with hiccups. he had them in the womb...and he has them pretty much every single day.

his grandparents are probably the only people that will enjoy this. and sugar.

please excuse the baby voice on my part. it's bad...but he seems to really dig it :)

anger.

we've moved. and this morning, i was driving to the grocery and passed a confederate flag flying high on a farm down from our house.

this is new. i'm assuming that it was put up because of the election.

come.on.people! seriously? are you kidding me. i'm so angry. so, so very angry.

maybe this is happening in maumelle. i don't know. it doesn't really matter. what matters is that it is happening.

i don't care if you like obama or not, surely it's evident that something new has happened. that change has already occured. that a black person was elected as president of the united states. that for the first time, parents all over this nation can tuck their children into bed and say, "yes, you too can be president of the united states." think about that for a minute. if you're white, it doesn't mean anything. i know. because that comes with being white. but being black...no, not just being black...being ANYTHING other than a white male...that is a totally new concept.

i was raised seeing color. we all are. even if we try not to.

but i was also raised being aware of the injustice that has happened in this country, and on a much larger scale...in our world.

i can remember going to the holocaust museum in washington dc. i can remember the wall of shoes. wall. yes, like three stories of the museum, filled with shoes from those that lost their lives. i was young when we went. maybe 11 or 12. but it didn't matter. i can close my eyes and see those faces. see those beds where they were forced to sleep. see the shower heads. all of it.

i have never understood slavery. never been able to wrap my mind around it. i cannot understand how anyone thought that it was acceptable. i like to think that had i been alive at the time, i would have had a problem with it. i would have been the one to stand up and argue.

and so to see a flag that to me, symbolizes just that...it's heartbreaking. absolutely heartbreaking. and i don't want to hear that it symbolizes anything else. not today. not in 2008 right after we elect a black president. it's not anything more than

i'd like to walk around and believe that people are better than that. and that there are only a handful of families who hang confederate flags. but i know i'm wrong.

my sister is a fourth grade teacher in a small, rural school district. mostly white kids. she sent and email out to several people yesterday. here is what it said...

I know that Im not the best writer and I also know that this email will not change anyone's mind but I feel that there are some things that need to be said...

I teach 19 kids every day and each and every day I work with children that come from a variety of life styles and homes. These kids are white, black, asian, mexican, wealthy, poor and some are only eating when they are at school- so my point is I see it all. Yesterday we did a lesson on the electoral votes and I tried my best to explain this to my kids (because to be honest I was never taught any of it)...My eyes were opened... I over heard several of my white kids discussing how they won't vote for a black man and their parents hate Obama...

My quiet little black boy sat in the back taking this all in... When I finished the lesson his hand came up slowly and he said " My parents don't really want Obama to win bc there is a chance he will be shot... bc white people don't like him"-

Now, let's all take this in and think what it must feel like to be 10 years old and feel that way... He was born black and he knows for a fact that people dislike him bc of that... Regardless of his parent's or his grandparent's he is now having to sit in a classroom and listen to prejudice white kids discuss his race...

My point is regardless if you voted for McCain or Obama wake up people... it's 2008 we don't have slaves anymore and this world is changing... Just like I told my kids yesterday Barack Obama's mother is just as white as you and I... Just like my 10 year old- he can't help his race...

Putting all politics aside- he won, he is our president, all of you can sit around and complain about how much you hate him for whatever reason, but if we claim we are all devoted christians- let's act like it...

Maybe more people need to work in education and open their eyes to what this world should be like... if we all thought like children our world would be a happier and healthier place....

i will spend the rest of my life teaching pratt about slavery, and the holocaust, and genocide in darfur. he will know all of it. he won't be sheltered. he will never fly a confederate flag. he'll probably hunt therefore he'll probably not agree with me on gun control...

but luckily, he won't ever know a world where a little black boy sits in the back of a classroom and worries that a black man will get shot simply because he's running for president.

i hope that we prove that little boy wrong.

i hope that his parents can enjoy the next four years.

i hope that he knows that not all of america is as racist as his small town.

raising pratt.

so we're dealing with a little bit of cradle cap. if you haven't dealt with this...consider yourself lucky. it's funky. it's a dry scalp which flakes off. and again...it's my fault.

i mean, it's supposedly because of the woman's hormones. of course, it is. what isn't? baby acne, cradle cap...the list goes on and on...

anyway, i've been putting apricot oil on his head and brushing off the loose skin. i took this picture to document it.

after taking it, i couldn't help but notice that he looks like he belongs to h.i. and edwina from raising arizona. maybe it's the oily hair. something about it screams, "turn to the left!"

either that...or maybe he looks like cousin eddie's kid from national lampoon's vacation.

poor pratt. he doesn't stand a chance...

change.

dear pratt,

tonight barack obama was elected president of the united states. i am so proud.

i hope that the world you grow up in is different from the one i have lived in for 29 years. my prayer is that this might change the way so many people think and feel...even if it takes baby steps.

you are asleep right now. i want to wake you...but sleep is too precious around here.

poppy says he hopes you have some warm clothes because you're going to the inauguration in january!

may god bless obama and his family. and the united states.

we have a long way to go.

love, mom.

i get it.

i saw anne pressley's parents on the today show this morning. her mom was talking about how she found anne early that monday morning. she said that she went through the house calling for her, and then found her.

i cannot imagine what she must have seen. what she must have felt.

when i was pregnant, someone told me that after i had pratt, i'd see the world in a completely different way. i'd see it as a mother. i'd see my own child in every child...and i'd see myself in every mother.

it is so true.

this morning, as i heard her talking about finding her daughter...i shuddered. tears just sprang from my eyes. granted, i cry a lot now. i've always been a crier...but pretty much anything can put me over the top now. still...i sat there, hurting.

i was holding pratt and couldn't help but squeeze him a little tighter. and i held him a little longer. whispered to him. reminded him of how much he is loved.

i know that he'll grow up one day. and i know that he'll have his feelings hurt. and that there is no way for me to protect him for the rest of his life. but i'll try. i'll do whatever i can. it hurts me to think that one day, his heart will break. maybe over a girl. maybe over some silly toy in walmart that he wants and that i refuse to get.

i'll do my best now to meet his every need. i'll do my best now to make sure that i love him. that he knows i love him.

my parents have always said that with spencer and me...they didn't always know how to handle every situation. they didn't always know the "right" thing to do. they just did what they felt was best for me, for that situation. and they hoped that it was the best thing.

i understand this now. i understand not knowing. i understand the danger, but the absolute necessity in guessing. i get it.

i get it. and i'm living it. and it's scary.

worth a thousand words...

pratt and sugar.

this might be my favorite picture ever. of her and of him.