yet.

i reminded her that yet is a really important word. 

a word often forgotten.
often left out of my internal worries.

this isn't my original thought.  it is glennon's.  as in momastery.

but it got me thinking.

YET.

it's so big.  it's such a big deal.

i was cooking in our church kitchen this morning.  we are serving lasagna and green beans unbundled and the pioneer woman's cheesy garlic bread for dinner.  i was up doing the beans and bread.  getting them prepped for the oven at 4.

i was standing there, with my pandora radio blasting third day, when it hit me.

many moons ago, probably no one would have thought that i'd be in a church kitchen cooking.  rocking out to christian music.

i was the girl who turned down wednesday night church because it was the SAME NIGHT AS BEVERLY HILLS 90210.

i mean, who expected me to miss the drama that was brenda and dylan?!  not me.  i would be tuning in week by week to see what was gonna happen next.  i had a pillow case with dylan's face on it.  who needed jesus when i had 90210.

are you dying?

yeah.  me too.  so are my parents.

but that's real life.

and real life is just ugly and embarrassing and horrible sometimes.

yet.

there's that word again.

i wasn't there yet in high school.
i wasn't there yet in college.

but i was on my way.

i was being molded into the person i sort of am today.
and the person that i want to be tomorrow.

i've often thought about how some of the wisest people i know are so much older than me.  what's that about?  does it take years?  experience?  tragedy?  pain?  loss?  love?

what is it?  and how do i live it...but also survive it?

sometimes i find myself driving down the interstate (i do that A LOT) realizing this just can't be my life.  i can't have two beautiful, healthy children. who love me.  who like me.  who want to be with me.   a husband who has always put me first.  a man whose goodness knows no bounds.  a family who is perfect in all ways.  friends who are probably the best i could ever ask for.

how can this be my life?
how can i be this lucky?

it's then i feel my throat tighten and i realize it's only a matter of time before something happens.

that something that throws me off track.  and hinders my ability to get to where i want to be.  my ability to understand what this life is really about.  because as that song says, "cause what if your blessings come through rain drops?"

i mean, what if.

what if getting there is all about rain drops.  and tears.

i know.
i know that it is.

but i still want it.

i still want to wake in the morning and thank God for this life.
for this hectic, crazy life.

i want to be content.
i want to to want nothing else.
i want to be good.
and kind.

and i want my boys to grow up and think, "one day, i'll be like my mom."

isn't that what we all want?
we want good for our kids.  happiness.

we want to give our children enough to do something...NOT enough to do nothing.

and so i'll be here.  working on the yet.
taking baby steps.
which sometimes feel like i'm not moving at all.

feel free to join me.