willy wonka.

so.

today.

today happened.
and it's now tonight.
and i can't quit thinking about today.
and what happened.
it's still funny.
like laugh out loud funny.

so let me record it here so you'll laugh too.

we are at access.  max's therapy place.  he and pratt are at a little table.  in the waiting room.  we are waiting on his therapist.  they are drinking fake tea.  eating fake tea cookies.  yada yada.

when pratt says in front of God and everyone (about 10 others),

mom.  i need to poop.  give me like....2 minutes, mom.  then come check on me.  i'll need you to wipe me. 

okay.  if you're grossed out by that, then it's obvious you don't have children.  or maybe you don't have a boy.

because listen up.  he is an adult.  my pratt could move out and live on his own for like a month and i wouldn't worry.  but let him attempt to wipe his hinny post poop...well, you've got itchy butt.  and itchy butt is no good.

i won't say more.  i'll just say that.

so i told him okay.  that i would come check.

i sit down with max to play tea party.

one minute passes.
two minutes pass.

now trust me, i realize that he probably needs me by now.  but i can't leave max alone.

about the time i head to the bathroom, max's therapist rounds the corner.

problem solved.

well. as soon as i see the therapist, another young teacher comes out of the bathroom laughing.

she looks straight at me and says,

you must be pratt's mom.

you guys.  there's just no telling.

me, um.  yes.  oh no.  what did he say.  what did he do.  what did he tell you?!

i'm terrified.  there are just so many possibilities.  they are endless.

well.  i asked if he needed help.  and he said you were gonna be here soon to help him wipe because he had pooped but if i could come out and tell you he's ready that would be great.  

he told me you were sitting on the couch and looked just like willy wonka.

did you read that?
should you go back and read it again?

willy wonka.

you guys.

WILLY WONKA.

me: oh my gah.  he said that, didn't he?!

(thinking to myself, of course he did.  she DID NOT make that up)

oh yeah.  he said it.  and listen i couldn't wait to see what you looked like.  i mean, come on!

yes.
first.  willy is a man.
i am a woman.

but i've always had this fear of looking like a man.

like sometimes i see myself and think, "man.  there is a man in the mirror looking back at me."

i do.  i always have.  maybe it's from a lack of real makeup.  maybe it's because i'm crazy.  whatever.  my son just said i was a man. so maybe it's not crazy at all.

apparently it's my hair.  my hair looks like willy wonka.  the johnny depp version of him.  i don't know if that's better.  i don't think anything about this story is "good" so there really isn't a "better".

but i had to record it.  because when he's 18 and tells me i've ruined his life about something with a girl, i'll remind him of that day he ruined any and all self confidence i had when he called me willy wonka.

day...made.
such a funny kid.