first mistake.

i woke from a dream where max talked.  where he talked and talked and told me what he wanted for lunch.  where he would silence pratt because he just wouldn't give up until pratt just flat out stopped talking.

he told me he loved me.  when i kissed him at bedtime, he said, "i love you too mom.  see you in the morning.  good night."

he talked to his friends at school.  he called my parents on the phone.

basically i had a dream where he was a typical, average 3 year old kid.  (we are less than one month from being 3).

when i opened my eyes, i felt as though someone had punched me in the gut.  knocked the wind out of me.  i wanted to cry.  i wanted to roll over and bury my head in the pillow and scream that it wasn't fair.

about a minute into my 34 year old fit, i remembered yesterday.

i remembered him walking away from the big koi pond at the siamang exhibit and turning to another body of water and saying (clear only to me and pratt), "mom! more fish!"

it was then i took a deep breath.  i steadied myself.  i remembered a quote i have seen somewhere.  access?  a bible study?

perseverance is not a long race.  it is many short races one after another.  - w.elliot.

i know better.  i know in my heart he will one day talk.  i just know it.

but this waiting game.  sometimes i think that God might have the wrong mom.  that he might have made his first mistake.  because this waiting and this patience...it's hard.

being a parent is the hardest thing ever.
it's also the best.

and for that, i'm so thankful.

and this picture is so funny.  and appropriate.  there's pratt. with his map.  and his arm around max...even leaning in.  smiling.  doing exactly what i ask.

and then there's max.  hat tilted.  shirt unbuttoned.  leg cocked.  and arms in back pockets.

night and day.  night AND day.  so blessed.