my advice for new moms.

a friend of mine messaged me this morning on facebook.

she's a little more than halfway through her first pregnancy.  and from the message, i can sense hesitation.  and fear.  excitement, for sure...but if i remember correctly, there is just an overwhelming sense of the unknown.

and as i wrote her back, it got me thinking about what i would say to a new mom.  a new mom who is expecting soon.  via her own belly.  or someone adopting.  doesn't matter how the kid gets here.  all that matters is what happens once they are left in your care.  remember that?

forgive yourself.  because you'll make so many mistakes.  you'll learn that some things work...and others don't.  nursing.  not nursing.  latching on.  the pain that makes your toes bend in ways you didn't think they could bend.

you'll spend money on fancy bottles only to realize that colic and fussiness has little to do with the bottle.

you'll cry.  and you'll laugh.  like minutes apart.  you'll feel crazy.  then you'll convince yourself this is all normal.  and that murdering your husband really does make the most sense.  because by god he really should be able to read your mind at this point.  and if he sleeps through one more night, you will cut him in his sleep.

you will experience the highest of highs.  you will look at this person that you created.  and you'll love your body like never before.  you'll appreciate your thighs.  and tummy.  and you'll feel a sense of power that was foreign to you.  you'll look at that baby and realize that you would literally kill someone with your bare hands should they ever try to hurt him or take him from you.  you will look at your husband think he's the best daddy.  the best husband.  and that somehow you are the luckiest person on planet earth.  and you'll post this to facebook.

you will at some point, be at your lowest.  maybe when you're watching your mother drive away.  and you think to yourself, "this is all really jacked up that someone thinks i, of all people, should be left to mother and care for another human being."  you will wonder what you ever saw in your husband.  yes, you love him.  but why does he not understand?  why does he say things like, "he's so tired. i bet he sleeps all night long tonight."  and you'll be all, "uh, hello.  you have no idea what being overtired means.  so just stop talking to me."  and you will reach out to girlfriends who aren't married and you will want them to promise you that a. they will never marry men.  and b.  they will never have children.  and at some point, you'll post this to facebook too.

you will learn to go potty in front of an audience.  you will learn to wipe with one hand while holding a baby.  you'll learn how to unbutton your pants while holding a baby.  and pull your pants down and up.  and wash your hands....ALL while holding another human being AND making sure fecal matter doesn't fly up and get in his face/mouth/sippy cup.

you'll realize that dirt really doesn't hurt.  and that pacifiers will hit the floor and you don't really have to have a wipe.  you really can just dip them in your water/tea/diet coke and give them back.  you'll find out that foam letters can be eaten by a 1 year old and that when they come out the other end, the body actually does NOT break them down.  a red A will still be a red A coming out.  no changes.

you will wonder where your body went.  and you'll be super pissed that you didn't appreciate your boobs/butt/thighs prior to the baby being born. and on this...get in those pictures.  don't step out because you're overweight.  or chubby.  or you have a zit.  stay in there.  be a part of those memories.  you'll be thankful later.  and trust me on this.  your child thinks you are the most beautiful person they know.  i promise.  so don't burden them with your self consciousness.  be bigger than that.

you'll realize that jumping on a trampoline and NOT peeing yourself isn't a given.  you'll learn that sneezing means you should wear depends.  unless you want to smell like a nursing home.

you will want to call your mom and apologize for being helpless for the first year of life.   and being trouble for the next 5 years.  and being ugly.  and manipulative.  and all those things.  and you'll cry. and probably beg her to come save you.

and about the saving part...don't be afraid to ask for help.  don't be afraid to admit defeat.  don't be afraid to wave the white flag.  or admit that it's been 3 days since you've had a shower because you can't figure out how to DO IT ALL.

understand/realize/accept that NO ONE has ever gotten through  motherhood/postpartum alone.  it's impossible.  just like it's impossible to explain to your husband that wearing his underwear just feels better.  he will look at you like you're crazy and say, "just keep them.  they are yours."  and that's cool.  because your butt might not fit into your underwear for a while.  or ever if you're like me.  because hips really do spread, damn it.

surround yourself with people who love you.  people who will ALWAYS love you.  people who won't remind you of the crazy crap you said when your kid had been screaming AT you for 3 solid months..for 90 SOLID DAYS.  let them love you.  let them bring you dinner.  let them hold your baby while you shower.  let them do whatever they are willing to do.  and hug them.  and say thank you.  and do the same for them when they need it.  because that's where God is.  He is in the love.  the kindness.  the friendships.  that's where we will find Him.

know that all things will come to pass.  there really is a light at the end of each tunnel.  that everything is really a phase.  the colic.  the fussiness.  the endless diapers.  the hell that is putting on a new crib sheet.  and yes, you actually WILL always cuss while doing this.

it will all end.  at some point, your 4 year old will beg that you not rub them down with baby lotion.  so go ahead and let your 1 year old put as much lotion as he wants all over his body.  and all over the clean changing table cover.  who cares.  one day, the smell of baby lotion will make you cry.  because you'll miss it.  you will.  believe me.  i know. i'm living it.

take the medicine.  go to therapy.  be honest.  it's good for you.  there is power in honesty.  there is love in humility.  and by being honest, we reach so many more.

ignore those who are telling you you're doing something the wrong way.  and listen...trust me on this...THEY ARE NOT YOUR FRIENDS.  because true friends love you no matter what.  true friends don't care about nursing.  or sleeping.  or cosleeping.  true friends say things like, "you have to take care of yourself, hannah.  because if you aren't well....pratt will never be well.  so let's worry about you.  and let's tell everyone else to kiss your a."

that's what true friends say.  you can quote me on that.  give them my cell number.

get ready to see how God feels about you.  as His child.  because you have NO idea what love is...until you hold your baby in your arms.  that's a fact.

and in the end, in wrapping all this mess up, i stand by what i first said.

FORGIVE YOURSELF.

because you will make countless mistakes.  you will cry more times in your shower (so no one sees you) than you ever thought possible.  just promise to try again tomorrow.  promise to learn from your mistakes.  that's all we can do.

now go be happy.  and kind.  and hug your husband.  because he will get you through this when no one else is able.  you will realize that he really is the best.  and you really are the luckiest.  and know you are about to love like you didn't know possible.  so just get ready.

xoxo,
hannah.