a long day.

today has been a long, hard day.

and it just won't end. i can't get to sleep. i have been lying there for what seems like forever. and i close my eyes and my brain rushes. won't stop. i think about cleaning my house before thursday night. i think about what i'll cook. about how i need to get pictures printed. off my computer and onto paper. about clint's postcards. about yoda's vet visit. about pratt's runny nose. his coughing. about my parents. about my sister's birthday. all of it. rush, rush, rush.

lately, i've done what i swore i would never do. i've begun comparing myself to others. something i haven't done in such a long, long time.

maybe it's time to cut off my hair again. when i was in college, i got a haircut at walmart...smack dab in the middle of my mid-life crisis. the woman gave me a rattail. not on purpose. but accidentally. i think. i dunno, really. anyway, it totally changed my personality. i stopped worrying about the pointless stuff.

i was happier.

it's not that i'm not happy now. it's that i've allowed crap to get in my way. in my mind's way.

i didn't have any energy today. i sat on the floor in pratt's room while he played around me. not with me. i was useless. and i started crying because of it. because i was useless. what kind of mother is useless? i was.

and i don't even have a job. it's not like i can say..."oh, yeah. well...i work from 8 to 5. and then get home and i'm just exhausted."

no. i don't get to use that. i'm here all day. just me. being a mom. and yet, i can be so useless.

i layed there on the floor and thought about how maybe i need some medication. something. anything. something to light a fire under me.

some days i feel like i have all the energy in the world. other days, i just want to be in bed all day. but being lazy...just makes me feel worse.

i know you're rolling your eyes. i would be too.

i can't help but remember what our preacher talked about in church sunday.

typically at some point, i read ahead. i check to see what scripture will be discussed and i read it before the preacher gets to it. like while the praise band is singing, i read ahead. it's a bad habit. but something i have to do. i have to read it at least twice before it really sinks in. i'm visual. you can read me something 20 times, and i'm not going to remember it unless i read it myself.

anyway. he was reading from haggai. haggai 1.

the verse that spoke to me was verse 5.

now this is what the Lord almighty says,
"give careful thought to your ways
you have planted much, but harvested little.
you eat, but never have enough.
you drink, but never have your fill.
you put clothes on, but are not warm.
you earn wages,
only to put them in a purse with holes in it."

when i read it, i gave the bible to clint. told him that that is exactly how i feel so often. like my bag has holes. like there are days when i'm the complete, total opposite of "content".

i hate that feeling.

tonight pratt didn't want to go to bed. he took an extra long nap this afternoon. didn't wake until around 615. so he wasn't sleepy at 8. clint was watching cartoons with him in our room. in the bed. i snuck up to watch them. it was so sweet. they were playing and talking. and clint was honestly watching nickjr.

i realized then that i could live without everything...as long as i had the two of them. all of the stuff around me is just that...stuff. and stuff means nothing without those i love most to share it with.

i want so much to stop wanting more. i want to be content. to be happy with what i have. to never yearn for something silly and empty again. i want to be a good example to pratt. i want him to look at me for guidance. i'm afraid that i'm not a good role model. i'm sure i will never feel up to the challenge. i think that is the guilt that comes along with motherhood. yay.

okay. i have to get some sleep. sorry for being so debbie downer. maybe now i'll feel better. catharsis. maybe? maybe...? nope. no better. ha.

one more thing. allie pw...i love you. and my heart has not stopped aching for you since we spoke this morning. hope you're having the sweetest of dreams.

our morning.

ever wonder what we do around here?

well, i was folding towels this morning about five feet from pratt. i took my eyes off him for literally, eight seconds (shoutout to lane frost), and turned around to see this...

when i shut the bathroom door and told him to stay out of there...this is what he did...



notice he won't look at the camera because he knows he's in trouble.

and yes, his pants and shirt don't match. this morning around 5 am, he woke wet. through the diaper. it's time to move from 4's to 5's.

and any of you who have had the pleasure of living with me...you're familiar with the way i like to keep my newspapers. when i worked for dr. knight at ouachita, i'd always bring in a fresh arkansas democrat. he would open it when i was getting the lab set up and read it. and then attempt to put it back together.

but he never did it correctly. the pages were all out of line. and it just didn't feel right.

it always made me so mad. and once dr. knight realized this...he did it on purpose.

this morning as i was wrapping the tp back on the roll, i looked down and saw this...

just like the newspaper...pure chaos.

it will for sure irk me for a few days.

a few things.

there are so many times during the day when i think, "i should blog about that..."
a
and then when i get here, my mind is blank. let me see if maybe i can remember some of them now...

pratt does the "fishy fishy" hand movement anytime a fish is mentioned. anytime he sees a picture of one. or hears the word.

anytime he hears "hello?", "telephone" or sees a telephone, he will put his arm up to his ear and turn his head like he's on the phone. so funny. in llama, llama, red pajama, everytime he sees the mom on the phone, he does it.

he's stopped hitting so frequently which is nice. i attribute it to the time out chair. he HATED it. still does. just throws his head and back in agony and cries. it's pretty funny. when he does start to hit, clint will say, "be nice." and he will lean in to kiss whoever is nearest to him.

he still loves ace and yoda. he is much nicer to yoda. he doesn't hit her. which is good because she isn't full cat. i mean, not housecat. i really think she has some bobcat in her. i dunno. i just know that i'm glad he "pets" her...whereas, poor ace is abused.

he got to swing in a kiddie swing today for the first time. i read where kids don't have full neck control until around 12 or 13 months. so i waited that long before putting him in one of those swings. he loved it!

the director at kids day out, told me that his teachers consider him "a sweet little boy". that made my day. i didn't realize it until she told me...but you do hope that your child isn't a problem. so it was nice hearing from someone else that he behaves. and that they enjoy him being there.

he loves chopsticks. but doesn't know exactly how to use them. he tries to eat them. nana fed him puffs with his chopsticks. he loved it.

he still loves to read. pulls books off the shelf and brings them to you. crawls up in your lap. and he's back to being a cuddler.

he has such a quiet sense about him. it reminds me of his dad. because i'm not really quiet. i mean, i am sometimes. but that's either because i'm exhausted or because i am uncomfortable. pratt seems to really take in what's around him. really think about it. and then he will try it for himself.

he makes a "vroom, vroom" sound when he's playing with his matchbox cars. such a little boy. the psychologist in me can't help but wonder what he would be doing had i given him a barbie. would he be putting her to sleep? and feeding her? or would he be banging her against the wall. ripping off her arms and legs. who knows.

i really do wish i could stop time. this must be my favorite age so far. i know i've said that before...but this is it.

have great fridays!

along came mr. alligator.

just had to document something.

today pratt and i ran to the library. after i grabbed a stack of books for myself, i decided it was only fair to let pratt play on the kid's mat for a while. i put him down, and turned to sit down and look through my books...and when i looked up, he was crawling across the room. out of the room. and fast.

i followed him over to...the fish tank.

pratt's love of fish comes naturally. his daddy loves fish. and loves fish tanks. he actually had one at his apartment during dental school.

so as pratt was pulling himself up to look at the fish, i noticed he put his hands together...you know, palms together and made a "fishy fishy" move!!!!

i about died. i started screaming, looking around for someone to witness what he had done. of course there was no one there. and i didn't have my phone as i am always too nervous to take it into the library for fear it will go off and ring.

anyway, i started clapping and telling him, "yes...these are fish!" and making the hand gesture with him.

i honestly don't know how he knew this. spencer has been singing

five little monkeys swinging from the tree
teasing mr. alligator can't catch me
you can't catch me
you can't catch me
along comes mr. alligator

quiet as can be
SNAP!

and when you say "along comes mr. alligator" you make that hand gesture. so maybe he assumed we were looking at alligators? i dunno. i just know it was great.

here he is with cookie's sunglasses. he now points at them and basically asks for her to put them on him. so hilarious. oh, and that's his new horse.



and here is pratt after all that dancing last night. whew. this boy was tired.



and, we've had a runny nose. with a pretty bad cough the past few days. who knows. and this is how i hold pratt to clean his nose. true story.

so what...i'm still a rockstar.

so pratt has been semi-walking for a few days now.

when i picked him up from kids day out, his teacher said, "so pratt is walking now!?". i said that yes, he had been taking a few steps. and she informed me that he had in fact, taken 6 steps that day. that was last wednesday! so, we came home...and sure enough...6 or 7 steps...he does quite well!

so, i captured this tonight after we came home from the church fall festival.

you guys. this is so, so funny. check his face at around 42 seconds. sorry it's turned at first...it was with my camera. hang in there and i'll realize that it's turned sideways and i'll fix it.

enjoy!

happy halloween!

what a day we've had.

this morning when we got back from hot springs, we took a four wheeler ride. pretty sure it's illegal, but pratt loved it. LOVED it. and ace did too.

it was cold. so we got to wear our warm fleece hats and jackets. love it.

here is our little halloween hippopotamus. we have called him "prattopotomas" for a long, long time. so we thought the outfit was pretty appropriate. and i must say that he was the sweetest and best smelling hippo i have ever met.

tonight, we didn't really "trick or treat". pratt is just a little too young. and our neighborhood is pretty spread out. and no one really trick or treats here. so, we decided to go visit our friends russ and kristin. we wanted to see their girls, ella grace and lexie. lexie was little bo peep and ella grace was the sheep. so, so cute.

my big, little boy.

this morning i took these pictures.

it wasn't until afterwards, when i was reviewing the pictures...that i realized just how old he looks.

if anyone has a time machine, i'm interested. call me.

and then there is my favorite...



several people have said he looks just like my dad. i hadn't seen it. well, not until today. but that last picture looks so much like my dad. so, so much. i think it's the eyebrows.

have wonderful weekends. and happy early halloween!