dear pratt.

dear pratt,

i must record something this morning. it happened last night after dad had given you your bath. you were in your jammies with your hair not quite dry...and it was all curly. and soft. and you smell like nighttime lotion...with a little bit of desitin. perfect.

anyway, you picked up my cell phone, put it up to your ear and just started chatting away.

dad and i both started laughing. and after a few jumbled words, you said, "hi pop pop!"

this is my dad. poptart. poppy. now pop pop. it's easy for you to say, and you love it.

you kept on and on. talking away. so i asked if you wanted to call him. you shook your head yes. so we did.

he answered, "hello han", and away you went.

it really was the sweetest thing watching you talk to pop pop and cookie. i'd tell you to say certain things to them, and you would. you talked about painting and yoda. and bugs. and dora. and lots more...but i'm still working on some of your vocabulary. it's clear to you...but not so much to me and dad.

you are a joy to us...and of course to pop pop and cookie. nana and papa randy told us the other day (at the exact same time) that no one was perfect...but they really do think that maybe you are. i'm pretty sure they both meant it. they love you so much too.

we are so blessed to call you our little boy.

love, mom. or pop pop's daughter :)

he asked about me.

I wasn't going to blog while on vacation, but I'm currently crying my eyes out. And I feel like if I could define all this, I might start to feel better.because once I get it down, I can see things. In black and white. And I can focus on them. And keep repeating them to myself when I start to cry in front of strangers on the elevator.

Mom emails me every night. Talking about what they did. Sending me pics of pratt and all the kids he has gotten to play with.

Well, this morning I read her message from yesterday. She said many things. But one thing of interest was this, "he has asked about you a couple of times. But I keep him distracted."

Are you crying? Because you should be crying. Because I have cried...and eaten 3 poptarts. I'm not one of those lucky girls that doesn't eat when they're emotionally unstable. I'm an overeater. Like, you better nail everything around me down because I will get it. Anywyay...

I'm crying for so many reasons.

One. Because while I know he is having a great and awesome time...what if he misses me just a smidge? Is he upset about it? This causes me to worry uncontrollably. Or as my dad said to me in a letter "your heart will spin out of control as you watch you children grow and experience life". He wrote that in 1996. And its relevant in 2010. He's smart.

Two. Because maybe his asking means he really does love me. In his own, 19 month way, he has shown me that he loves me. And that he notices me. I'm not just someone in the background.

So. That feeling...that importance I feel right now...that's my mothers day gift. And my bday present. And christmas too.

Mom, thanks for loving him. Thanks for giving him ice cream sandwiches and koolade jammerss. Or whatever that sugar water is called. I love you.

three years.

i've been married to my husband for three whole years. well, at 5:57 pm. that's when we said i do, three whole years ago.

we've been a "couple" since december of 2002. man, oh man. well, except those few times i broke up with him because he wouldn't give me a definitive, "yes/no" on the whole marriage issue. true story. (nana, stop laughing ;)

i feel like this year, i could write a book on marriage. on what not to do. on what not to say. on what not to expect.

but also, on why staying through hard times is one hundered percent completely worth it. (and let me say, we haven't really had any hard, hard times. just more like hard in comparison with what we had our first two years).

this year has been the hardest year thus far. not because of him or me, really. but because of how different our lives have become.

it's this constant balance of taking care of pratt. but also taking care of my husband. and yet...still taking care of me too. and everything else around here. the house. the animals. the toilets. the laundry. the dinner. etc, etc. this goes for both of us.

there have been days when i sat in my closet and cried for God to help. screamed for Him to make me bigger. make me better. for Him to give me strength that i didn't have to make it through another day. clint doesn't go to the closet, he goes on the front porch. and he isn't loud. he's quiet. it's this calm that comes over him. not me. me...i'm crazy. and big. and what's that word i'm looking for...dra...yes...dramatic.

and during all this, we have someone watching us. watching every single move we make. and so there is little to no arguing in front of him. little to no drama in front of him.

it's not his fault. and i don't believe he should be subject to it. i never saw my parents argue or fight. i knew they did. i saw my mom get frustrated. but she never yelled. she never cried.

they allowed me and spencer to be kids. there isn't enough of that in the world, i don't think. allowing kids to be kids. to be themselves. not growing up too soon. but enjoying the lack of responsibility. never having to worry about the future of the situation. never having to worry about what will happen tomorrow. i hope pratt always knows that we're here. we are here together. and we're here to stay. no matter what.

i may be the only one who thinks this, but i think there is something incredibly attractive about an old married couple. i love clint more now, than i ever have before in my life.

has it been hard? h yes.

has it been worth it? has it been worth hanging around? getting over myself. not taking myself so seriously? h yes.

on the flip side, this year...more than ever before, clint has become my family. yes, i still have my wonderful mom, dad and sister.

but for the first time in my life, this is my home. this is my life. this is my family. and i've become more protective of it. i've become more protective of him. of someone taking advantage of his kindness.

i've seen him turn to me and ask my advice. my opinion on something. this is better than anything else he could do. better than a footrub. better than a gift certificate for a mani/pedi. better than all else. to me, it's him showing me that i'm worthy. that i have something to give too.

a few things have happened where he and i have become the closest i've ever been with anyone. i've shared things with him that i never thought i'd say outloud. things that have hurt me. things that i've only thought. i've never even journaled them. never let them see the light of day.

and i wonder now, what would i have done with these things...had i not had him? my husband. my rock. the person who holds me when i cry. the person who reminded me that it really is okay. and that with time, like everything else i've ever known, things will make sense eventually.

when we stood in that church, three years ago, i never knew how much my life could change. i was so young. yet, i wasn't at all.

clint, thank you for loving me through all of this past year. thank you for walking on the front porch when i'm too much to handle. thank you for always hugging and kissing me when you walk in from work. thank you for being the best dad in the whole entire world for pratt. thank you for thinking i'm as pretty now as i was before my body was stretched to bryant and back.

thank you for always being the same. allowing me comfort in knowing the consistency of love. for never riding the rollar coaster of emotions that i have a season pass for. it warms me to my core to know that you love me no matter what. and it makes me want to be the best wife and mom and friend in the whole entire world.

thank you for working so hard every single day and for enduring a ten hour workday every other (ha) friday to make sure we have enough food on our plates and that pratt already has a college savings plan.

you make me really look like a slacker. seriously, you do.

i love you now. and i'll love you forever.

han.

hi, i'm pratt.

and i'm a hoarder.

every single morning when mommy gets me out of my bed, i grab every stuffed animal i see (including my b and blanket) and insist they go downstairs with me for the day.

and if my mom happens to put me in my highchair sans one of the items, i flip out.

i need help, but don't really want any. mom says this is the beginning of my true "pratt" genetics. great...

dear pratt.

dear pratt,

yesterday we took a little family trip to the zoo. it was the first time in a few months that we've been as a family and with you...the new you. the mobile you. up to this point, you were just too small. or young, i should say.

we went in the birdhouse which was for sure your favorite place. i, personally, thought it smelled like hot urine, but hey...what do i know? i was a little freaked out that these birds were just sitting around waiting to peck someone's face off. seriously. that's what i kept thinking. and i didn't stop talking about it either. your dad was totally fed up with me by the time we left that place.

we watched a lion take a bath in his swimming pool. this was probably my favorite part. he looked like a gigantic yoda. well, not really. but you know, the whole big cat thing.

it's so fun to watch you soak up the animals. and the sounds. and the smells. your little mind works so fast. and i wish i knew what all was flying through there.

you are so careful. so precise. so intentional. you walked up to the fence by the pond and stood as still as you could to watch the turtles. you know not to touch anything without your stick. this is any stick really. and i noticed you quickly chose a stick as soon as we got around the pond. almost like you thought maybe we were going to go bug hunting and you needed to be prepared. you had a stick and a leaf. so, so funny. and so, so perceptive. because that's what we do here at home.

as a kid, i have so many wonderful memories of the zoo. the new orleans zoo was always one of my favorites. the audobon zoo, actually. and then there's the zoo in chicago which is amazingly free to the public. the lincoln zoo, i think. cookie said we would have to try to go there before we head to cousin katie's graduation in a few weekends. you've been once, but you were much younger. so maybe this time, you'll enjoy the animals more.

you are the light of our lives. you make us so, so happy.

here's to many more zoo trips.

oh, this was the only picture i got. it was on our way home. and you were super tired. and super comical.



i love you p,
mommy.

why i love my neighborhood.

because of these three kids and their mom and dad.

i mean look how much pratt loves coleman.

just warms my heart. we are so blessed to live here...and to have found this family.

storms.

guess who has decided he is afraid of thunderstorms?



yep. and i'm a wuss for being afraid of thunder. so i put him in our bed to watch cartoons. ddddora.

and the kid was up until 1130 pm. that's when clint was snoring and i had decided i was tired too. the storms had calmed somewhat, and so he finally went to his bed.

it's 909 am, and he's still sleeping.

oh, and here's an adorable picture from last night too. pratt and his sweet, sweet spice.