toot.

so sometimes i need to toot my own horn. just so that when i'm old and good at being a mom, i'll remember how back a long time ago, it was hard. and it was tiring. and i got frustrated.

this morning at 850, i had pratt buckled into his carseat, and i sat down in the drivers seat of the car, and just took a big, ole loud breath. more like a release. an exhale. yes, that's what it was. and it was loud. and forceful. i could have blown your house down.

i thought, man, i'm tired. and it's only 850.

but let's recap what i had done this morning. all before 850.

rolled out of bed at 545 am. got to the gym at 6 am. ran 5 minutes/walked 2 for 30 minutes. this is a lot for me. this is basically the equivalent of a half marathon for normal people. i'm sweating and cussing. and throwing water on my face like napoleon after his dance session with lafonda's mix tape. it's ugly. i won't lie. then i did 12 minutes on the bike. and did machines for 15 minutes. all while a certain moron is playing airguitar on the treadmill across from me. and a 75 year old woman was wearing soffe shorts that were so incredibly short that i thought at any minute her buttcheek might fall out onto the floor.

got home. showered. ironed my clothes. got dressed. made the bed. got pratt up. changed a wet diaper. made him breakfast. ironed his clothes. dressed him...which seems easy. hunh. it's not. fed him. kissed him. loved him. made his lunch. cleaned the kitchen. put clothes in the dryer and started a load of laundry. fixed his backpack for kdo. found all my library books and put them in my car for monday's return. fed yoda. watched pratt dump endless amounts of cat food on the pantry floor...all in an attempt to be like me and...feed yoda too.

was on the way out the door when pratt decided maybe he needed to go potty. only he doesn't use the potty. so i changed diaper number 2 (no pun intended) of the day, and then walked him outside to the car. dealt with a mini breakdown when he realized we were getting into the car and not searching for "bugs". boo. ran halfway down the front yard to get him. picked him up only to get wet grass and dirt from his shoes on my brand new white linen pants. boo squared.

carried a screaming child to the car. buckled him in. bribbed him with empty plastic easter eggs. he didn't fall for it. used my knee to get him in the seat. realized that everything was still in the house. went back inside for everything.

made a silly face at my child from outside the car....just to lighten the mood. got in the car. put on my seatbelt...and sigh. exhale. we're back at square one.

so. when pratt is 12 years old and says something horrible to me. something like, "mom...you'd let me do this if you loved me." i'm just telling you guys now...i will go crazy on him.

and i will remind him of all that i did for him when he was little. and how dare he talk to his mother like that.

it's all sort of coming together about what bill cosby always says. i brought you into this world, son...and i can and will take you out.

i get it. i totally get it.

days can be hard. and long. and i get frustrated with clint. because he's gone all day. and i know he thinks it's work. but to me...to me, at times it seems like fun. because it's something different.

tonight i was starting to fix dinner for pratt and just gave up. i grabbed him up and we headed to sonic. and we got dinner from sonic. because i couldn't stare into that fridge/freezer again and try to decide what to have for dinner.

my own mother has become my new hero. because i don't know how she did it all without ever complaining. i don't get it. i have so much more to learn.

until then, you can find me here. fumbling around. trying to be a good mom. trying to be good at always putting someone else before i put myself. yet...still taking care of myself. it's the most difficult thing i've ever tried to do. so hard to balance.

some days i pass with flying colors. other days i'm surprised clint and pratt don't pack up and leave the crazy woman at home with all her cats.

i'm not asking for anyone to feel sorry for me. i have an incredibly easy life. i'm just trying to be real. be honest. so if any of you are having similar issues, you are not alone. i'm right there with you.

have wonderful tuesdays.

new toothbrush.

guess who loves his new sonicare toothbrush!?

well...as long as he is the one brushing his teeth. otherwise, it's a totally different story.

full circle.

this morning, myself and 3 other girls met with one of the workers at a local womens shelter here in the city. i don't want to use her name or the organizations name...but basically i'm going to be a volunteer for the home...for the women and kids housed there.

these are women and children who have left abusive relationships and have found shelter at this location. this secret location. you can imagine why the location has to remain unknown to the general public.

as i sat in that meeting, and listened to the statistics on domestic violence, i had what oprah calls an "aha! moment". one of those times when life seems to come full circle. when life seems to make perfect sense.

at 30, i've only had a few of these moments. one was when i realized that no one is perfect. one was when i saw clint's face on our wedding day. and the most recent was the moment i realized how much i loved my son. and how i would do anything in the world for him.

today was another of those moments.

i've always had a passion for children. always wanted to work with children. but never really knew how. for a while, it was by being a doctor, a pediatrician. but after a year of medical school i realized that i wasn't cut out for that. i wasn't smart enough...and God didn't see me doing that. didn't see me as a doctor. that was fine with me. looking back now, i realize He was right. ha.

then it was school psychology. my masters...and my attempt at a phd. enter pratt.

so. i've been at home for something like 20 months now. with no "job" to speak of. well, no "job" besides being a housekeeper, mom, nurse, cook, teacher, wife, sister, mom, friend and anything i might have left out.

it's like my life has come full circle. like my passion for kids and for talking to kids..making them feel loved and comfortable and important...it's all come full circle.

this is what my mom meant when she used to tell me that one day, it would all make sense. and one day i'd be happy. and this is what my dad meant in that letter he wrote me the day i graduated from college. on may 5, 2001. it said something about how i needed to be sure and find an occupation that helped others....because it is in helping others that true happiness can and will be found.

so. mom and dad, i did it. i'm happy with my little family. and i'm finally happy with my new little "job". and i plan on helping as many as i can. as many little hearts that i can touch.

dear pratt.

dear pratt,

oh where to begin. you are such a funny, sweet little boy.

today we had such a wonderful time together.

let's see. we played with the "choo choo" that cookie bought you for easter. you have a figure 8 track with several trains. and we watched a veggie tales movie and made breakfast.

after your nap, we played at the park with carter and stacy and amber and caleb. you went down the biggest slide i've ever seen without even flinching.

we headed to dad's office for a quick hello. as soon as we got out of the car, you pointed at la valentina and said, "eat! eat! cheese! eat!". i thought you were just kind of playing around. turns out, you weren't. so me and you headed to eat cheese dip and refried beans at 335 pm on a thursday afternoon. they made your refried beans exactly like you like it...with cheese dip on top.





when we got home, you found a few bugs. which you LOVE. you stand near them and shout, "BUG! BUG! " until i acknowledge that yes indeed, you've found a bug.

you are so gentle with bugs. and spiders. and moths. and everything else out here in the country. you've never tried to kill anything. and something about this just warms my heart. you won't touch anything because you're so careful. but you really are completely intrigued when you see something. i love it. i could look for bugs with you all day long. picking up rocks. searching under the mulch. just wherever, really.

after dinner, dad taught you the song, "head shoulders knees and toes!" which you loved. you've recently learned where your knees are. and your shoulders.



also, you did something that was so incredibly funny tonight. we were playing with your puzzle, something we do quite frequently. but instead of using your hands to put the shapes in their respective holes, you used your mouth. and you were actually quite successful with the circle, square and triangle. so, so funny.

finally, you and dad watched dora and layed together on the couch. i am pretty sure that this was the highlight of your dad's day.



we love you so much. thank you for all the joy you bring to our lives.

love, mom.

happy easter!

melanie mcknight took these amazing photos.

the bunnies are real. and as you can tell, pratt loved them.

a special thank you to cookie for having the pictures done for us! we are so lucky to have you, mom.

happy easter to everyone. may you be blessed beyond measure today.

"why do you seek the living among the dead? He is not here, He has risen!" luke 24:5-6.

easter eggs.

we have our eggs all ready for the easter bunny. and i even did what my mom always did for us and blew the egg out of its shell. so now we can keep a few of them for next year...and the year after that.

last year, when mom made pratt a basket, she put one of our old eggs in his basket. special. i loved it.

pratt was more interested in trying to eat the dye tablets than really creating the eggs.

love.

this kid loves to swing.